Posts by Haru Nabeda:
CHICAGO, doctor Illinois – Rick Santorum, link after losing the Illinois Republican primary, released a statement to several reporters before continuing his tour around the country. At a press conference, FOX, MSNBC and CNN have reported that Rick Santorum wanted to become “Persistent Poop”. Confused by the statement, Santorum goes on to mention that he wants to rule the United States on the the “poopy”cy seat. The press core looked even more confused as he started describing the motions he would do to get his job done, to become “Persistent Poop”. The motions performed by Santorum further confused reporters from al Jazeera and also, ABC News.
Baka-TV would like to correct all three news networks that Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum did not say “Persistent Poop. He wanted to become President and Pope, at the same time. The motions gestured by Santorum during the press conference was in reference to journalist David Blumquist from Bloomberg on how does Rick Santorum does a poop.
BURBANK, check mind California – Neilsen ratings confirmed that NBC is poised to take 4th again in the timeslot and thus, seek ending the cycle of suicides throughout the United States. On November 2011, pill the depressed Community fans heard that the show was going on a hiatus to make way for the menopausal variety hour, 30 Rock. Upon hearing the news, many fans wrote letters to NBC headquarters at 30 Rockefeller expressing disdain. However, a majority of fans created a suicide pact, claiming each day without Community, a person from the pact has to kill themselves. So far, the pact has claimed the lives of 98 people. With the return of the beloved NBC show, fans of Whitney are now doing a similar version of the pact. Sympathy from the online community was nonplussed about the affair as fans of Whitney are considered painful people that deserve to jump off a 20-storey building.
PYONGYANG, North Korea – Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Commander of the People’s Democratic Republic of North Korea recently praised Bashir al-Assad’s attempt to quell rebellion at Homs, Syria. Calling it a great victory against the great liberal West, the shelling of Homs reminded Kim Jong-un, according to the press release, of how he once blew up an entire village with a single artillery strike. The congratulatory tone of Kim Jong-un to dictators of other nations is seen by pro-tyranny NGOs such as Sit, Spin and Starve and Fuck the Free World, More Gold Toilets as a step up from Kim Jong-il’s often quiet stance. Kim Jong-il, the former Supreme Leader, often responded to intention violent acts by sitting alone in his grand palaces and trains, watching Sylvester Stallone movies while lulling himself to sleep knowing that his stature will not get the recognition of violence sorely needed by the egotistical maniac community.
In a related story, President Robert Mugabe also congratulated the Egyptian military for suppressing a football riot at Port Said. With the death toll at 75, Robert Mugabe then leaped up onto the podium and shouted at reporters saying, “My tactics are always right!” He then continued shouting, “Guess who’s the motherfucking dictator?” to then moon the crowd of reporters.
ATHENS, Greece – Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos has been cast as one of the new buyers in A&E’s Storage Wars. With recent austerity measures being tabled in the Greek parliament, Papademos hoped to alleviate the debt issue by going through people’s personal and private junk to make a quick Euro. The show each week features four buyers attempting to bid on an storage unit on auction in California. During the show, the buyers often find hidden treasures in the storage units but, there are times that they do not find anything.
“It will be great,” commented Jackie Marles, a frequent watcher of the show. “I mean, the urgency of buying a storage locker could be heightened with [Papademos] as he really needs the money.”
Papademos has been spotted at the U-Haul Storage Facility in Bakersfield during a recent taping of the show. Auction goers also reported that Dave Hester, one of the participants of the show, had verbally harassed the Prime Minister. Bodyguards surrounded Mr. Hester which caused him to lose the bid on the storage locker to Papademos. It is unknown whether Papademos found cool stuff in the locker as show participant Barry Weiss called the locker purchased by the PM, “a mess and a trip to the 70s”.
ARLINGTON, Texas – Team members from the New York Giants will be arriving here to be at the Super Bowl XLV. Although they lost to the Green Bay Packers on the December 26, they will be on the field, regardless of their situation.
Fans recall their win in 2008 and with the unwillingness to let go of their two continuous years of failing to even qualify for the Super Bowl, coach Tom Coughlin mentioned that his team will just left loose to run on the field to cause “infinite amount of field-based chaos”.
“I really don’t care if we didn’t make it,” said Coughlin. “I hold no grudge so, why not let the boys just go around and hit one of the other players from team douchebag [Steelers] and asshat [Packers].”
His strategy to let loose players on the field as a barricade of game progression has baffled top commentators. Some have even speculated that Eli Manning could be running down the goal line from the 50 yard line with an identical ball in the opposing direction of wherever the game action is going on. Even defensive backs Terrell Thomas and Corey Webster have been rumored to be sitting on the 25 yard line to just play Jenga while Steelers and Packers play on.
“We did not get there [the Super Bowl],” said offensive lineman Shawn Andrews. “But we’ll distract the game so hard and so much that people will think that we won with this immature play of ours.”
In other news, the Detroit Lions will also be at the Super Bowl as part of the Black-Eyed Peas Half-Time Show roadies.
LOS ANGELES, California – Charlie Sheen is at it yet again with news that he has been spotted consuming drugs with several prostitutes at a famous nightclub in Hollywood. With friends and family worried of his well-being, they have checked in 70-year-old veteran actor Martin Sheen into the Betty Ford Clinic once more, citing Charlie Sheen’s wild and destructive behavior as the reason for the admittance.
“He is doing fine,” reported Dr. Lawrence Perrel, a psychologist working with Mr. Sheen at the Betty Ford Clinic. “Martin is seeing the light that by creating Charlie Sheen, he had created the problem.”
This was not the first time Martin Sheen had checked himself into rehab. Back in 2006, Charlie Sheen had stated that the disaster during September 11 2001 was a creation of United States government. A concerned Martin Sheen immediately checked himself into rehab, again citing the reason of “the creation of the entity called ‘Charlie Sheen’.” Another such incident was in 2009 after Charlie Sheen assaulted his then-wife Brooke Mueller which saw Martin Sheen’s immediate check-in into rehab for the same reason.
“He does know when to stop,” commented Dr. Perrel. “However, with the influence around him, Charlie gets into the trouble Martin deserves and Martin has shown signs of remorse time and again. It’s the media scrutiny that makes Charlie Sheen not change and Martin Sheen go in and out of rehab.”
According to the doctors and nurses who are treating Martin Sheen, the program of rehabilitation that the actor will go through include “24 hours of quiet meditation and contemplation”, “14 hours of therapy”, “binge drinking seminars” and “a majestic walk up the San Gabriel Mountains to reflect on the creation of a person who needs to lay off drugs, alcohol and prostitutes”. In addition, Martin Sheen will undergo 12 hours of community service for the crimes Charlie Sheen had committed.
This is not the first time a family member enters a program for the problems caused by another family member. Earlier in 2010, Dina Lohan entered solitary confinement for the alleged drink-and-drive problems caused by her daughter Lindsay Lohan.
CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – Recently, a study at the Howard Kreissler Institute of Television Studies observed that a majority of people who watch RuPaul: Drag Race are most likely to switch off their television for the rest of their lives, often leaving subjects either exasperated or shocked by what they had just seen.
“Most of the respondents had very negative views of the show and the television in general,” said Dr. Ronald Bowen, head researcher of the study. “Respondents were viewed through a camera in the examination room and what came out after watching the RuPaul’s show was one of anger as many tried to burn the image of a bald man tucking his penis between his legs out of their heads.”
Of the eighty people subjected to the research, an overwhelming68% responded by switching off the television and then, throwing it off the research facility into the parking lot below. Surprisingly, a shocking 24% of respondents showed signs of arousal as the streaming of the show began.
“It’s strange sometimes,” added Bowen. “We were not expecting the results but when respondents came out the response chamber smelling of sweat, semen and shame, it intrigued us as to what extent that RuPaul can be used as a military application.”
PARIS, France – As snow blankets northwestern Europe, the massive delays it caused in airports around Europe has infected the local populace and tourists throughout with a plague. World Health Organization (WHO) representatives from London’s Heathrow Airport, Paris’s Charles de Gaulle Airport and Germany’s Frankfurt International Airport have reported the symptoms of “Bitch and Moan about Flights” disease or “I’m an Important Bastard” plague found on many passengers who have faced delayed or canceled flights.
Yukio Hashigawa, a Japanese tourist who had recently contracted the disease and Paris Syndrome, complained about long queue lines to the toilets and uncomfortable, cramped heated conditions. “The artwork in the Louvre was already upsetting and these delays just made me very peeved.”
“It’s really bad,” screamed Juan Valle of Valencia, Spain into a microphone at Heathrow. “Not only I don’t have a flight back home, I have this uncontrollable rage to beat up an airline employee,” continued Mr. Valle as he sipped his beer at the bar.
“I have to go back to Jean Phillipe’s place again,” cried an airline stewardess from Lufthansa. “I have to now spend another one night stand with some weird smelling stranger in a foreign country that can’t even pronounce my name or give me that satisfying orgasm.”
The WHO has listed out symptoms of the plague and has posted health stations with help from airport officials throughout affected airports. If waiting passengers encounters nausea, mood swings that shift mainly towards anger, frustration, consistent crying, insomnia, vomiting, diarrhea, severe punching, severe screaming and nonsensical singing of Gilbert and Sullivan tunes to cheer up one’s own damage psyche, airport officials and WHO representatives asks that all passengers seek immediate medical attention or just drive, take the train or boat to your destination.
PARIS, France – The Bibliothèque nationale de France, the national library of France found a tattered manuscript that belonged to Jules Verne. Titled, “Je peux voir de mes putains nègre organes génitaux” or “I Can See Negro Whores with My Genitalia”, this late Jules Verne work was found in the library amongst other hidden manuscripts of some of France’s greatest literary works from their greatest authors. The 230 page novel tells a tale of Jacques Rimbaud, a fictionalized version of Verne trying to solicit prostitutes in the middle of Industrial Revolution France. The cover of the manuscript was illustrated by Claude Monet and it was identified by an art curator at the Louvre as “Woman with a Parasol”.
“Typical of Verne to use analogies and euphemisms in his stories,” clarified French literature scholar Kim Rimbals. “The negro whore represents the downtrodden masses of France whilst the act of fellatio on the sixty-seventh page, mentioned here as the colloquial, ‘Je suis à bascule avec ma queue [I am rocking out with my cock out],’ represents the liberties that the French aspire to in their republic… not giving in to the demands of others as they [foreign powers] press further into their territories.”
The reason why the novel was not published in 1800s was also found in the manuscript in the form of the editor’s comment. The editor of Jepuin Publishing wrote that the book was ‘god awful’ and ‘the constant mention of the human genitalia and rape was… [indecent] although funny as the whore is black and a woman.” A descendant of the editor, Willem Monpierre, had given a public apology for his ancestor’s racist and sexist comment. This also explains the appearance of Monet’s piece as an artwork due to the lack of commission received from Verne’s end.
Although criticism from the French literary circles are overwhelmingly negative, publishers and readers of Jules Verne are looking forward to this new work by the now-perverted French author. With euphemism-laden works such as “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea” and “Around the World in 80 Days”, currently adapted into a teen sex movie starring Seann William Scott, attracts more young readers and perverts, this manuscript would provide to the world a greater sense of morality that the French are an abominable sex creature.