HEADLINES
Egypt protest escalates to new heights as protesters demand Mubarak step down while wearing a beautiful satin prom dress. ¤ Roaming panda terrorizes community into mass cuddle of cuteness. ¤ Apple announces the creation of a new MacBook called "Pen and Notebook". ¤ Peruvian flute more annoying than bagpipes during funerals, study shown. ¤ P. Diddy announces that the "P" in his moniker is not "pimp" but "parent". ¤ Dreams are made from bovine spongiform, experts confirm. ¤ "Sometimes, dead men do sing better in a barber shop quartet," said Kanye West to a few angry white people. ¤ Santa to deliver gift to Morocco for the first time in 35 years after Elven Made Toys Embargo ended. ¤ San Diego Chargers win award for "Best Baseball Team in Their Heads". ¤ Michael Bay to create movie about rock climbing, explosions that will cause his imminent death. ¤ Bangladesh annual monsoon rains to electrocuted textile workers. ¤ While Tron smashes the holiday box office, Tron Guy's testicles smashes atoms.

Suicidal Community Fans Stop Committing Suicide

Posted: March 16th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Entertainment, Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »

BURBANK, check mind California – Neilsen ratings confirmed that NBC is poised to take 4th again in the timeslot and thus, seek ending the cycle of suicides throughout the United States. On November 2011, pill the depressed Community fans heard that the show was going on a hiatus to make way for the menopausal variety hour, 30 Rock. Upon hearing the news, many fans wrote letters to NBC headquarters at 30 Rockefeller expressing disdain. However, a majority of fans created a suicide pact, claiming each day without Community, a person from the pact has to kill themselves. So far, the pact has claimed the lives of 98 people. With the return of the beloved NBC show, fans of Whitney are now doing a similar version of the pact. Sympathy from the online community was nonplussed about the affair as fans of Whitney are considered painful people that deserve to jump off a 20-storey building.


Greek PM to Join Storage Wars Cast

Posted: February 11th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Entertainment, European News, Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »

ATHENS, Greece – Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos has been cast as one of the new buyers in A&E’s Storage Wars. With recent austerity measures being tabled in the Greek parliament, Papademos hoped to alleviate the debt issue by going through people’s personal and private junk to make a quick Euro. The show each week features four buyers attempting to bid on an storage unit on auction in California. During the show, the buyers often find hidden treasures in the storage units but, there are times that they do not find anything.

“It will be great,” commented Jackie Marles, a frequent watcher of the show. “I mean, the urgency of buying a storage locker could be heightened with [Papademos] as he really needs the money.”

Papademos has been spotted at the U-Haul Storage Facility in Bakersfield during a recent taping of the show. Auction goers also reported that Dave Hester, one of the participants of the show, had verbally harassed the Prime Minister. Bodyguards surrounded Mr. Hester which caused him to lose the bid on the storage locker to Papademos. It is unknown whether Papademos found cool stuff in the locker as show participant Barry Weiss called the locker purchased by the PM, “a mess and a trip to the 70s”.


Martin Sheen Checks Into Rehab Again For “Creating Charlie Sheen”

Posted: February 2nd, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »

LOS ANGELES, California – Charlie Sheen is at it yet again with news that he has been spotted consuming drugs with several prostitutes at a famous nightclub in Hollywood. With friends and family worried of his well-being, they have checked in 70-year-old veteran actor Martin Sheen into the Betty Ford Clinic once more, citing Charlie Sheen’s wild and destructive behavior as the reason for the admittance.

“He is doing fine,” reported Dr. Lawrence Perrel, a psychologist working with Mr. Sheen at the Betty Ford Clinic. “Martin is seeing the light that by creating Charlie Sheen, he had created the problem.”

This was not the first time Martin Sheen had checked himself into rehab. Back in 2006, Charlie Sheen had stated that the disaster during September 11 2001 was a creation of United States government. A concerned Martin Sheen immediately checked himself into rehab, again citing the reason of “the creation of the entity called ‘Charlie Sheen’.” Another such incident was in 2009 after Charlie Sheen assaulted his then-wife Brooke Mueller which saw Martin Sheen’s immediate check-in into rehab for the same reason.

“He does know when to stop,” commented Dr. Perrel. “However, with the influence around him, Charlie gets into the trouble Martin deserves and Martin has shown signs of remorse time and again. It’s the media scrutiny that makes Charlie Sheen not change and Martin Sheen go in and out of rehab.”

According to the doctors and nurses who are treating Martin Sheen, the program of rehabilitation that the actor will go through include “24 hours of quiet meditation and contemplation”, “14 hours of therapy”, “binge drinking seminars” and “a majestic walk up the San Gabriel Mountains to reflect on the creation of a person who needs to lay off drugs, alcohol and prostitutes”. In addition, Martin Sheen will undergo 12 hours of community service for the crimes Charlie Sheen had committed.

This is not the first time a family member enters a program for the problems caused by another family member. Earlier in 2010, Dina Lohan entered solitary confinement for the alleged drink-and-drive problems caused by her daughter Lindsay Lohan.


“Ma Ying-Jeou Doesn’t Care About Asian People,” Says Taiwanese Director Ang Lee

Posted: August 16th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Asian News, Entertainment, Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »

TAIPEI, Taiwan – In a recent charity concert for the benefit of the recently displaced victims of Typhoon Morakot, Taiwanese-born American director Ang Lee denounced Taiwan President Ma Ying-jeou for not stepping up to the plate. After taking responsiblity for the slow response, the 54-year-old director launched a furious tirade against the leader that went off prompter. His onstage partner and fellow director, Tsai Ming-liang, a Malaysian-born Taiwanese looked at Lee with horror.

An artist rendition of Ang Lee in a state of non-douchebaggery

An artist rendition of Ang Lee in a state of non-douchebaggery

The following is a transcript of the event.

“I hate the way they portray us in the media. If you see an Asian family it says they are farming for rice. If you see a tourist (white people), it says they are looking for a way out in a major disaster.”

[Tsai, visibly uncomfortable, reads from prompter script. Camera cuts back to Lee, who pauses, then says]

“Ma Ying-jeou doesn’t care about Asian people!”

CTV, the broadcaster of the gala charity event, issued a statement that the views expressed were not of the network and were solely Lee’s opinion.

Meanwhile, halfway around the world, the competition to determine whether Kanye West has vocal abilities that can rival of opera singers has come to an end when a 400 pound tenor accidentally sat on West’s Auto-tune device. No injuries were reported except for Kanye’s pride.


Commentary: Michael Jackson LAST Concert Proposal(s)

Posted: June 28th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Asian News, Commentary, Entertainment, Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »

Editor’s Note: The views provided by Samuel Mason does not necessarily represent the view of Baka-TV and any sane man’s idea. The ideas expressed are merely fictitious and therefore, deemed reprehensible by nature.

Do you want to hear something great? Michael Jackson is dead. Do you want to hear something not great? Ticket sales from the July O2 concert in London are going to waste as he is now in no state to perform. No matter how saddened we are by his sudden passing, there are several ways to solve this. I have already sent my proposals written on my Hooters napkins to the O2 Board of Directors and although I am not allowed to disclose any information, I guess you should know these ideas will be rejected.

Idea #1: Transport Jackson’s body for Live 2-Year Funeral

This idea surrounded my premise that of the parallels of Michael Jackson and People’s Republic of China deceased leader Chairman Mao Zedong. Since Michael is already not man and all plastic, I say we place his body in the O2 Arena for public display that will rival the waxwork figure of him (or clone) at Madame Tussuad. The dynamics of this is that ticket owners can see him live on stage, dead as we blast songs that followed his notoriety as a performer, singer and acquitted child molester. The only problem is that due to the lack of freezing applications to freeze his body, his body might explode from the overheating due to the high voltage lights surrounding the stage.

Idea #2: Get This Michael Jackson Impersonator to Perform in Place of Michael

Screw Justin Timberlake! What we need is a good Michael Jackson impersonator to perform and everyone will be happy.

I am laughing, we are laughing, everyone will be laughing and then… SOCCER RIOTS!

Idea #3: String Him Up

A user from 4chan suggested this and I agree with him completely. What we should do is string up Michael’s body and make him perform truly one last time. We bury him for 3 months or so and then, after those months in the soil, we string him up on marionette strings. We fly his body out to London and then, with help from The Jim Henson Company, we make a puppet out of Michael and make him perform “Thriller”. We did it with our dead friend, Jimmy the Shoe Shiner and he did a fantastic version of Oliver Twist and Danny Boy. Although his eyes have fallen out, his singing voice was excellent thanks in part of Old Sailor Everett who has a crack and meth problem.

Conclusion

Well, whatever way it is, I think Michael was a great entertainer, even though we do not have a television or this new fangled Internet. I had to learn who he is because the editor is a fantastic person who is also generous and having this can of beans is all I have as property.


Mythbusters “Busted” Evolution Theory, Teaser for True Religion, Hyneman Dies of Shock and Disbelief

Posted: May 22nd, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Media and T.V. | 1 Comment »

SAN FRANCISCO, California – Mythbusters Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage recently did the unexpected in the scientific and Discovery Channel community. On a recent episode of Mythbusters, Hyneman and Savage built a time machine in which they could not confirm the theory of evolution, causing a major scare in the scientific community.

“I don’t fucking believe it,” wrote a frequent Mythbuster forum goer and watcher. “I now have to believe in Jesus and Adam and all that crap that was fucking fake. Now it’s fucking real, I fear that we are all going to go into an oblivion and hell, if we are not careful,” continued the Mythbuster fan.

During this episode of Mythbuster, the wacky dynamic duo created a time machine using PVC pipe, duct tape and explosives that transported them to the time of the exile of Adam and Eve. This time, the dynamic duo managed to talk to God and God set the record straight by saying. “Them fools try be taking my apple of knowledge, seen? So, I kicked them off. Monkey are not your ancestors,” said God while showing the two televison personalities the so-called primordial soup.

God showed a Powerpoint presentation he did for the seraphims and archangels which showed that humans were made from the ground and woman-kind was made from the ribs of the prototype A2AM or Adam. It was at this time Hyneman died of a heart attack from the shock and disbelief. God, pissed off at their atheist ways, revived the heathenistic Hyneman to prove that he is Almighty and All-Powerful.

By the end of the episode, there was a teaser for the next episode of how the Mythbusters will solve part two of their quest: proving which is the true religion with shocking surprises. Tune in to Mythbusters next week to see what shenanigans the dynamic duo of mythbusting will do next.


Trekkies Beat Up Mutants in Inhaler-filled Fist Fight

Posted: May 15th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »

NEW YORK CITY, New York – A fan feud occured outside a cinema close to 30 Rockefeller between fans of X-men and Star Trek. Although earlier reports suggest that most Trekkies would not watch the watchable 2 hour movie, most did come because of the appearance of Leonard Nimoy in the movie. The feud started off when Dennis Allers of Miami (or the USS Cleveland) queued in the line when he heard an X-cosplayer shouting how much Star Trek sucked. The feud started with a verbal sparring match, queuing up the acting talents of Leonard Nimoy and Hugh Jackman. Then, a physical confrontation began between the two that was both weak and filled with bouts of inhaling inhalers.

Police were called to the scene but they refused to step into the fight as they felt that the argument should be resolved with who would kick ass with representation by the parties: Wolverine or the USS Enterprise.

“The fight was über lame,” commented a spectator. “You’d expect blood by now but all I see was weak punches by Wolverine and the klingon,” added the spectator.

By the end of the 3 hour confrontation, the Wolverine cosplayer fainted and was immediately hospitalized, crowning Star Trek more awesome than Wolverine. Analyst of the fight suggest that because the comic book fanbase are refusing to watch the movie, the support of it was low and therefore, Wolverine cannot faceoff a full-fledged Federation officer. Among the other theories given, the phasers might just melt off Wolverine’s stupid adamantium claw.

Trekkies have often clashes with other groups of fandom. The Star Wars-Star Trek War of 1999 for instance lost 10 Trekkies while Trekkies v Lost Angels contributed to the largest Trekkie massacre and loss of virginity, in the ass.


Star Trek as The A-Team

Posted: April 5th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »


Family Flix – Rocket Dog

Posted: March 28th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »