HEADLINES
Egypt protest escalates to new heights as protesters demand Mubarak step down while wearing a beautiful satin prom dress. ¤ Roaming panda terrorizes community into mass cuddle of cuteness. ¤ Apple announces the creation of a new MacBook called "Pen and Notebook". ¤ Peruvian flute more annoying than bagpipes during funerals, study shown. ¤ P. Diddy announces that the "P" in his moniker is not "pimp" but "parent". ¤ Dreams are made from bovine spongiform, experts confirm. ¤ "Sometimes, dead men do sing better in a barber shop quartet," said Kanye West to a few angry white people. ¤ Santa to deliver gift to Morocco for the first time in 35 years after Elven Made Toys Embargo ended. ¤ San Diego Chargers win award for "Best Baseball Team in Their Heads". ¤ Michael Bay to create movie about rock climbing, explosions that will cause his imminent death. ¤ Bangladesh annual monsoon rains to electrocuted textile workers. ¤ While Tron smashes the holiday box office, Tron Guy's testicles smashes atoms.

New York Giants to Go to Super Bowl, Not Competing, Just Going There

Posted: February 6th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

ARLINGTON, cough Texas – Team members from the New York Giants will be arriving here to be at the Super Bowl XLV. Although they lost to the Green Bay Packers on the December 26, they will be on the field, regardless of their situation.

Fans recall their win in 2008 and with the unwillingness to let go of their two continuous years of failing to even qualify for the Super Bowl, coach Tom Coughlin mentioned that his team will just left loose to run on the field to cause “infinite amount of field-based chaos”.

“I really don’t care if we didn’t make it,” said Coughlin. “I hold no grudge so, why not let the boys just go around and hit one of the other players from team douchebag [Steelers] and asshat [Packers].”

His strategy to let loose players on the field as a barricade of game progression has baffled top commentators. Some have even speculated that Eli Manning could be running down the goal line from the 50 yard line with an identical ball in the opposing direction of wherever the game action is going on. Even defensive backs Terrell Thomas and Corey Webster have been rumored to be sitting on the 25 yard line to just play Jenga while Steelers and Packers play on.

“We did not get there [the Super Bowl],” said offensive lineman Shawn Andrews. “But we’ll distract the game so hard and so much that people will think that we won with this immature play of ours.”

In other news, the Detroit Lions will also be at the Super Bowl as part of the Black-Eyed Peas Half-Time Show roadies.


Martin Sheen Checks Into Rehab Again For “Creating Charlie Sheen”

Posted: February 2nd, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »

LOS ANGELES, viagra 100mg California – Charlie Sheen is at it yet again with news that he has been spotted consuming drugs with several prostitutes at a famous nightclub in Hollywood. With friends and family worried of his well-being, they have checked in 70-year-old veteran actor Martin Sheen into the Betty Ford Clinic once more, citing Charlie Sheen’s wild and destructive behavior as the reason for the admittance.

“He is doing fine,” reported Dr. Lawrence Perrel, a psychologist working with Mr. Sheen at the Betty Ford Clinic. “Martin is seeing the light that by creating Charlie Sheen, he had created the problem.”

This was not the first time Martin Sheen had checked himself into rehab. Back in 2006, Charlie Sheen had stated that the disaster during September 11 2001 was a creation of United States government. A concerned Martin Sheen immediately checked himself into rehab, again citing the reason of “the creation of the entity called ‘Charlie Sheen’.” Another such incident was in 2009 after Charlie Sheen assaulted his then-wife Brooke Mueller which saw Martin Sheen’s immediate check-in into rehab for the same reason.

“He does know when to stop,” commented Dr. Perrel. “However, with the influence around him, Charlie gets into the trouble Martin deserves and Martin has shown signs of remorse time and again. It’s the media scrutiny that makes Charlie Sheen not change and Martin Sheen go in and out of rehab.”

According to the doctors and nurses who are treating Martin Sheen, the program of rehabilitation that the actor will go through include “24 hours of quiet meditation and contemplation”, “14 hours of therapy”, “binge drinking seminars” and “a majestic walk up the San Gabriel Mountains to reflect on the creation of a person who needs to lay off drugs, alcohol and prostitutes”. In addition, Martin Sheen will undergo 12 hours of community service for the crimes Charlie Sheen had committed.

This is not the first time a family member enters a program for the problems caused by another family member. Earlier in 2010, Dina Lohan entered solitary confinement for the alleged drink-and-drive problems caused by her daughter Lindsay Lohan.


Study: Watching “RuPaul: Drag Race” Likely to Make You Turn Off Television Forever

Posted: February 1st, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

CAMBRIDGE, page Massachusetts – Recently, stuff a study at the Howard Kreissler Institute of Television Studies observed that a majority of people who watch RuPaul: Drag Race are most likely to switch off their television for the rest of their lives, often leaving subjects either exasperated or shocked by what they had just seen.

“Most of the respondents had very negative views of the show and the television in general,”  said Dr. Ronald Bowen, head researcher of the study. “Respondents were viewed through a camera in the examination room and what came out after watching the RuPaul’s show was one of anger as many tried to burn the image of a bald man tucking his penis between his legs out of their heads.”

Of the eighty people subjected to the research, an overwhelming68% responded by switching off the television and then, throwing it off the research facility into the parking lot below. Surprisingly, a shocking 24% of respondents showed signs of arousal as the streaming of the show began.

“It’s strange sometimes,” added Bowen. “We were not expecting the results but when respondents came out the response chamber smelling of sweat, semen and shame, it intrigued us as to what extent that RuPaul can be used as a military application.”