Editor’s Note: The views provided by Samuel Mason does not necessarily represent the view of Baka-TV and any sane man’s idea. The ideas expressed are merely fictitious and therefore, deemed reprehensible by nature.
Do you want to hear something great? Michael Jackson is dead. Do you want to hear something not great? Ticket sales from the July O2 concert in London are going to waste as he is now in no state to perform. No matter how saddened we are by his sudden passing, there are several ways to solve this. I have already sent my proposals written on my Hooters napkins to the O2 Board of Directors and although I am not allowed to disclose any information, I guess you should know these ideas will be rejected.
Idea #1: Transport Jackson’s body for Live 2-Year Funeral
This idea surrounded my premise that of the parallels of Michael Jackson and People’s Republic of China deceased leader Chairman Mao Zedong. Since Michael is already not man and all plastic, I say we place his body in the O2 Arena for public display that will rival the waxwork figure of him (or clone) at Madame Tussuad. The dynamics of this is that ticket owners can see him live on stage, dead as we blast songs that followed his notoriety as a performer, singer and acquitted child molester. The only problem is that due to the lack of freezing applications to freeze his body, his body might explode from the overheating due to the high voltage lights surrounding the stage.
Idea #2: Get This Michael Jackson Impersonator to Perform in Place of Michael
Screw Justin Timberlake! What we need is a good Michael Jackson impersonator to perform and everyone will be happy.
I am laughing, we are laughing, everyone will be laughing and then… SOCCER RIOTS!
Idea #3: String Him Up
A user from 4chan suggested this and I agree with him completely. What we should do is string up Michael’s body and make him perform truly one last time. We bury him for 3 months or so and then, after those months in the soil, we string him up on marionette strings. We fly his body out to London and then, with help from The Jim Henson Company, we make a puppet out of Michael and make him perform “Thriller”. We did it with our dead friend, Jimmy the Shoe Shiner and he did a fantastic version of Oliver Twist and Danny Boy. Although his eyes have fallen out, his singing voice was excellent thanks in part of Old Sailor Everett who has a crack and meth problem.
Well, whatever way it is, I think Michael was a great entertainer, even though we do not have a television or this new fangled Internet. I had to learn who he is because the editor is a fantastic person who is also generous and having this can of beans is all I have as property.
LOS ANGELES, California – Even in death, Michael Jackson’s legal trouble looms on but this time, it is about his children. The three-ring circus of Michael Jackson’s court case have caused a calamity within the family on who will inherit Michael’s wealth and most of all, take care of his three children: Prince Michael, Prince Michael II and Paris. Even though without a will, the Baudelaire children from the popular ‘Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events’ novel have begun a lawsuit against the pop star’s children, citing near similarities with their trials and tribulation in getting their large family wealth.
Representatives of Jackson’s children responded to the claim of the plot theft as “ludicrous and completely untrue” and that the children will “happily engage in this battle, even if it takes the Baudelaire children a million lawyers to settle this”.
The death of Michael Jackson have caused outpouring tribute to the Thriller star but most speculate that the children will be moving from foster home to foster home, taken care by some of their father’s weird relatives and ever weirder friends. Many speculate that irresponsible mother and overall spiteful bitch Debbie Rowe might be in the lead to take of the children. The Baudelaire sent this very example of parallels between Debbie Rowe and their first caretaker, a Count Olaf, who tragically died from what police called “an unfortunate fishing accident”.
Whether or not Debbie Rowe would have a large sharp instrument protruding through her abdomen will come true, this copyright case will be going on for quite a while.
"These are fires of happiness, not anger," said Ahmedinejad when asked about the fires springing up in the Iranian Presidential Protests
HARARE, Zimbabwe – President Robert Mugabe recently hailed the Iranian Presidential elections as “one small step in democracy, one giant leap to ensure everlasting power over the suffering peons of an embattled nation”. With victory claimed for incumbent Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, Mugabe also cites his own personal experience into the foray of elections, mentioning that by fixing results, you can rest assure to piss a ton of people off and quell them by using your corrupt, well-fed and paid military through brute force.
Facing a tough economic climate and a 30% unemployment rate, one of the highest in the world, Ahmedinejad was already poised to win by both supporters and opposition.
“The cynism is deep,” said an Ahmedinejad voter. “I mean, this is Iran. You are expected to vote for the greatest guy who looks as though he has a higher moral and religious authority. These Mousavi people are in denial and that is what they don’t see [electoral fraud brings the greater good for the nation],” added the voter as he continued to pummel a protestor with his pitchfork.
“I don’t get it,” said one Mousavi supporter. “Democracy in Iran means voting for the person who will most likely change the country but instead, we get the shitstained cloth and a latrine so filthy, even the Ayahtollah will not take a crap in it,” continued the supporter as he hurled a stone towards pro-Ahmedinejad armed militia.
With large margins of votes from larger cities such as Tehran and Tabriz, the capital of opposition reformist candidate Mir-Hossein Mousavi, going to Ahmedinejad, President Mugabe striked up a similarity with his as he managed to score the same results in his former opponent’s territory, current Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai. Mugabe also furthered assure his fellow Entirely Vile International Leaders (E.V.I.L.) brother that he can further aggravate the country by causing a death of someone special of his opponent, citing Mugabe’s own experience with Tsvangirai’s family.
Mugabe and Ahmedinejad giving a handshake of evil
Although protests have been going on in the major cities of Iran for the past few day, Mugabe ensured the President of Iran that his people are celebrating his victory by burning tires and getting lung cancer, citing that Zimbabweans had the same party with the chlorela infected water. After the meeting, the two leaders shared a bubblebath of evil and laughed menacingly down the dark corridor as they meet with their Russian counterpart, President Dmitri Medvedev at the Russian capital.
Baka-TV is proud to present a new thing we implemented to keep in touch with our readers: Baka-Twit. Yes, medicine we decide to use ADD-friendly Twitter to only keep news 140 characters or less. The account was free but the CEO gave us $7000 so, case we went out and bought a golden Blackberry that is not working. Hence, our announcement on the website.
I’m watching old Conan O’ Brien videos and I am a fan of Paul Rudd’s work. Now, what happens when these two are on the show together? You have Paul Rudd coming to the show, promoting a movie. Except, Rudd does not always does that. What Paul Rudd does is he shows a clip from “Mac and Me”, a parapeligic version of ET. And, it is always the clip of the kid in this wheelchair spiraling out of control from a cliff.
After this constant showing of this clip, Paul Rudd is officially funny and in my pantheon of Gods.