HEADLINES
Egypt protest escalates to new heights as protesters demand Mubarak step down while wearing a beautiful satin prom dress. ¤ Roaming panda terrorizes community into mass cuddle of cuteness. ¤ Apple announces the creation of a new MacBook called "Pen and Notebook". ¤ Peruvian flute more annoying than bagpipes during funerals, study shown. ¤ P. Diddy announces that the "P" in his moniker is not "pimp" but "parent". ¤ Dreams are made from bovine spongiform, experts confirm. ¤ "Sometimes, dead men do sing better in a barber shop quartet," said Kanye West to a few angry white people. ¤ Santa to deliver gift to Morocco for the first time in 35 years after Elven Made Toys Embargo ended. ¤ San Diego Chargers win award for "Best Baseball Team in Their Heads". ¤ Michael Bay to create movie about rock climbing, explosions that will cause his imminent death. ¤ Bangladesh annual monsoon rains to electrocuted textile workers. ¤ While Tron smashes the holiday box office, Tron Guy's testicles smashes atoms.

Malaysia, Officially Retarded

Posted: May 28th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Asian News | No Comments »

Happy Endings is always a weird thing. I was around town lately and I found this.

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Massage Parlors and Their Happy Endings

Posted: May 26th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Asian News | No Comments »

Happy Endings is always a weird thing. I was around town lately and I found this.

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Mythbusters “Busted” Evolution Theory, Teaser for True Religion, Hyneman Dies of Shock and Disbelief

Posted: May 22nd, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Media and T.V. | 1 Comment »

SAN FRANCISCO, cure California – Mythbusters Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage recently did the unexpected in the scientific and Discovery Channel community. On a recent episode of Mythbusters, Hyneman and Savage built a time machine in which they could not confirm the theory of evolution, causing a major scare in the scientific community.

“I don’t fucking believe it,” wrote a frequent Mythbuster forum goer and watcher. “I now have to believe in Jesus and Adam and all that crap that was fucking fake. Now it’s fucking real, I fear that we are all going to go into an oblivion and hell, if we are not careful,” continued the Mythbuster fan.

During this episode of Mythbuster, the wacky dynamic duo created a time machine using PVC pipe, duct tape and explosives that transported them to the time of the exile of Adam and Eve. This time, the dynamic duo managed to talk to God and God set the record straight by saying. “Them fools try be taking my apple of knowledge, seen? So, I kicked them off. Monkey are not your ancestors,” said God while showing the two televison personalities the so-called primordial soup.

God showed a Powerpoint presentation he did for the seraphims and archangels which showed that humans were made from the ground and woman-kind was made from the ribs of the prototype A2AM or Adam. It was at this time Hyneman died of a heart attack from the shock and disbelief. God, pissed off at their atheist ways, revived the heathenistic Hyneman to prove that he is Almighty and All-Powerful.

By the end of the episode, there was a teaser for the next episode of how the Mythbusters will solve part two of their quest: proving which is the true religion with shocking surprises. Tune in to Mythbusters next week to see what shenanigans the dynamic duo of mythbusting will do next.


Obama Taken Away Blackberry Rights

Posted: May 17th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

WASHINGTON D.C. – Last night, dermatologist White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that Michelle Obama had just taken away the Blackberry rights of President Obama, unhealthy citing that he is costing higher phone bills in the White House. In a bold move that shocked everyone, diabetes and pregnancy Robert Gates described the event.

“The President threw a tantrum, screaming ‘You’re not the boss of me!’, crying in a fetal position and banging his fist on the floor,” described Secretary Gibbs about the event. “It looked like the Terrible Two,” quipped Gibbs trying to describe the Presidential meltdown over the mobile device. He continued by mentioning that the President, locked his door in the Oval Office, while blasting loud emo music, deafening the staff at the residence. Not one of the best moments for Obama, who is an admitted Blackberry addict, reporters further drilled Secretary Gibbs about the fit.

Obama trying to control his tears for the loss of his Blackberry while speaking to students at ASU.

Obama trying to control his tears for the loss of his Blackberry while speaking to students at ASU.

“It’s not pretty,” said Gibbs, “when Obama gets mad. This morning he was pouting over the breakfast table as Secretary Clinton came in to brief him about the current problem with North Korea.” Gibbs added, “He just would not let it go but when I spoke to him earlier, he was calm and collective, ready now to run the country without his Blackberry.”

The President does a lot of things with the Blackberry he was given by the Secret Service. The President checks his email and does a Facebook edit once in awhile. What most don’t know that the President does Twitter and he tweets to his fellow followers. Similarly, Obama recently followed his former political rival, John McCain, twitter after John McCain started following Obama on the very first day that the President started. John McCain is eagerly following the President, trying to find a fault of the Jesus-like President presided in the Internet world.


Trekkies Beat Up Mutants in Inhaler-filled Fist Fight

Posted: May 15th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »

NEW YORK CITY, eczema New York – A fan feud occured outside a cinema close to 30 Rockefeller between fans of X-men and Star Trek. Although earlier reports suggest that most Trekkies would not watch the watchable 2 hour movie, urticaria most did come because of the appearance of Leonard Nimoy in the movie. The feud started off when Dennis Allers of Miami (or the USS Cleveland) queued in the line when he heard an X-cosplayer shouting how much Star Trek sucked. The feud started with a verbal sparring match, health queuing up the acting talents of Leonard Nimoy and Hugh Jackman. Then, a physical confrontation began between the two that was both weak and filled with bouts of inhaling inhalers.

Police were called to the scene but they refused to step into the fight as they felt that the argument should be resolved with who would kick ass with representation by the parties: Wolverine or the USS Enterprise.

“The fight was über lame,” commented a spectator. “You’d expect blood by now but all I see was weak punches by Wolverine and the klingon,” added the spectator.

By the end of the 3 hour confrontation, the Wolverine cosplayer fainted and was immediately hospitalized, crowning Star Trek more awesome than Wolverine. Analyst of the fight suggest that because the comic book fanbase are refusing to watch the movie, the support of it was low and therefore, Wolverine cannot faceoff a full-fledged Federation officer. Among the other theories given, the phasers might just melt off Wolverine’s stupid adamantium claw.

Trekkies have often clashes with other groups of fandom. The Star Wars-Star Trek War of 1999 for instance lost 10 Trekkies while Trekkies v Lost Angels contributed to the largest Trekkie massacre and loss of virginity, in the ass.


Biden Makes No Gaffe for a Day, Black Hole in Time Continium Formed

Posted: May 15th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: North American News | No Comments »

Washington, this DC – Vice President Joseph Biden spoke at a press conference, making it the first ever gaffe-free event in his entire history. Biden is known for his gaffes which cause journalists everywhere to scrutinize and lampoon the very words spewing from his flapping mouth. Today, the Vice President, gripping the podium tightly with his palms, spoke to the press in a calm and assertive tone, without sounding like a turkey drowning in the rain.

"As you can see, I have stopped making gaffes so, stop worrying about me."

"As you can see, I have stopped making gaffes so, stop worrying about me."

Questions of the current economy crisis died down as the press began asking him why was he answering their questions without making a mistake. The inquisition only drew subdued answer from Biden with such replies as, “Please, can we get back to the issue at hand?” and “Yes, Obama is going to slap my face if I make one more mistake.” When asked about his sudden monotonous voice during the conference, Biden implicated that he was also forced to watch the “Bueller’s Day Off” scene where Ben Stein’s character said the name “Bueller” over and over again. Reporters also witnessed that whenever Biden attempted to move himself away from the issue, the Vice President began to shake violently, tilting and leaning on his head.

It was at this time that behind Biden formed a large black hole, sucking him and a chair into the swirling vortex of doom. One reporter exclaimed, “Holy shit, there’s a fucking black hole swallowing the Vice President!” However, the Vice President calmed down the audience, explaining that there is nothing to worry about as the black hole is harmless and it just needs to put the Vice President himself back into the normal time continium. Biden also added, “[Dick] Cheney told me about it.”

This is not the first time a Vice President summoned a black hole. Vice President Dan Quayle in 1992 summoned one where he actually spelled “potato” correctly while Al Gore created his by going through an entire day without being an environmental douchebag and claiming that he created the Internet. Perhaps the largest blackhole created was by the former Vice President Dick Cheney where a bullet shot from his gun that was aimed at a quail went into a blackhole and came out shooting his best friend in the head.

Other occurences of the blackhole was brought up in such cases as the OJ Simpson cases where OJ claimed a blackhole was formed under his knife while he was stabbing his hard cheese that landed on his ex-wife Nicole Simpson Brown’s body. OJ was acquitted with the argument.