HEADLINES
Egypt protest escalates to new heights as protesters demand Mubarak step down while wearing a beautiful satin prom dress. ¤ Roaming panda terrorizes community into mass cuddle of cuteness. ¤ Apple announces the creation of a new MacBook called "Pen and Notebook". ¤ Peruvian flute more annoying than bagpipes during funerals, study shown. ¤ P. Diddy announces that the "P" in his moniker is not "pimp" but "parent". ¤ Dreams are made from bovine spongiform, experts confirm. ¤ "Sometimes, dead men do sing better in a barber shop quartet," said Kanye West to a few angry white people. ¤ Santa to deliver gift to Morocco for the first time in 35 years after Elven Made Toys Embargo ended. ¤ San Diego Chargers win award for "Best Baseball Team in Their Heads". ¤ Michael Bay to create movie about rock climbing, explosions that will cause his imminent death. ¤ Bangladesh annual monsoon rains to electrocuted textile workers. ¤ While Tron smashes the holiday box office, Tron Guy's testicles smashes atoms.

Kim Jong-un to Assad: Keep Up the Good Work, Good Buddy

Posted: February 22nd, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Asian News, North Korea, Uncategorized | No Comments »

PYONGYANG, North Korea – Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Commander of the People’s Democratic Republic of North Korea recently praised Bashir al-Assad’s attempt to quell rebellion at Homs, Syria. Calling it a great victory against the great liberal West, the shelling of Homs reminded Kim Jong-un, according to the press release, of how he once blew up an entire village with a single artillery strike. The congratulatory tone of Kim Jong-un to dictators of other nations is seen by pro-tyranny NGOs such as Sit, Spin and Starve and Fuck the Free World, More Gold Toilets as a step up from Kim Jong-il’s often quiet stance. Kim Jong-il, the former Supreme Leader, often responded to intention violent acts by sitting alone in his grand palaces and trains, watching Sylvester Stallone movies while lulling himself to sleep knowing that his stature will not get the recognition of violence sorely needed by the egotistical maniac community.

In a related story, President Robert Mugabe also congratulated the Egyptian military for suppressing a football riot at Port Said. With the death toll at 75, Robert Mugabe then leaped up onto the podium and shouted at reporters saying, “My tactics are always right!” He then continued shouting, “Guess who’s the motherfucking dictator?” to then moon the crowd of reporters.


Greek PM to Join Storage Wars Cast

Posted: February 11th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Entertainment, European News, Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »

ATHENS, Greece – Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos has been cast as one of the new buyers in A&E’s Storage Wars. With recent austerity measures being tabled in the Greek parliament, Papademos hoped to alleviate the debt issue by going through people’s personal and private junk to make a quick Euro. The show each week features four buyers attempting to bid on an storage unit on auction in California. During the show, the buyers often find hidden treasures in the storage units but, there are times that they do not find anything.

“It will be great,” commented Jackie Marles, a frequent watcher of the show. “I mean, the urgency of buying a storage locker could be heightened with [Papademos] as he really needs the money.”

Papademos has been spotted at the U-Haul Storage Facility in Bakersfield during a recent taping of the show. Auction goers also reported that Dave Hester, one of the participants of the show, had verbally harassed the Prime Minister. Bodyguards surrounded Mr. Hester which caused him to lose the bid on the storage locker to Papademos. It is unknown whether Papademos found cool stuff in the locker as show participant Barry Weiss called the locker purchased by the PM, “a mess and a trip to the 70s”.