HEADLINES
Egypt protest escalates to new heights as protesters demand Mubarak step down while wearing a beautiful satin prom dress. ¤ Roaming panda terrorizes community into mass cuddle of cuteness. ¤ Apple announces the creation of a new MacBook called "Pen and Notebook". ¤ Peruvian flute more annoying than bagpipes during funerals, study shown. ¤ P. Diddy announces that the "P" in his moniker is not "pimp" but "parent". ¤ Dreams are made from bovine spongiform, experts confirm. ¤ "Sometimes, dead men do sing better in a barber shop quartet," said Kanye West to a few angry white people. ¤ Santa to deliver gift to Morocco for the first time in 35 years after Elven Made Toys Embargo ended. ¤ San Diego Chargers win award for "Best Baseball Team in Their Heads". ¤ Michael Bay to create movie about rock climbing, explosions that will cause his imminent death. ¤ Bangladesh annual monsoon rains to electrocuted textile workers. ¤ While Tron smashes the holiday box office, Tron Guy's testicles smashes atoms.

The Things I Have Learned From Frank Sacramone

Posted: April 30th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

I have learned a lot about America. I learned that America is number one and that monster trucks are the greatest invention next to the flushing toilet. In my American experience, steaks are infinitely bigger and that super-size is mandatory, not an option. Everything is big from the land mass of Texas to the fat people at Mississippi. Things are awfully big in America. Back home, houses were small, quaint and dilapidated. Complain it to the person who owns the house and he will do as such. In America, if you tell someone that their house is shit, expect a shotgun aimed at your face and the words, “Get outta my property!” become a voice that you obey.

Although Ben Fucking Beach was  a character to behold, Frank Sacramone of Scotty and the Pornos is perhaps one of the most outstanding characters whose valor and dignity stands more upright than an erection of a flagpole. Practical and confident, these mere words could probably best describe him. Vertical in height, this person could almost always ring out a laugh into a situation. He brought the rock music in America to my ears, although I detest the “violent capitalist attitude to the demonic voices from predominantly rich kids who do this as a form of rebellion”.

Anyway, he has taught me very valuable things.

  • Mississippi is perhaps the worst state in the country next to Alabama
  • Connecticut is so cheap that Jews sweat beads of money to pay off their debts
  • Smith girls are hot
  • Porno bands exist to only make you horny and hot as hell
  • He has your nuts
  • You don’t want to be spar partners with Frank
  • Jigglypuff is NOT a fag character… (not after Jigglypuff kicked Captain Falcon’s ass)
  • Seth is a bitch
  • Creeper’s United is a valid student organization to provide eerie and creepy stalker looks while people work out.
  • “This is America! You don’t be speakin’ that funny talk cuz it ain’t America!” – Frank imitating an American hero (note that there is not a typo)
  • Everything in America from hybrid cars to the food at Hampshire’s Dining Commons runs on General Tsao’s
  • Everything goes well with General Tsao’s
  • “One day, Hoss will make a General Tsao, Oreo Stuf, bacon fat and mozzarella cheese pizza. Top that off with some barbecue sauce and high fructose syrup, Ben will die in a day with that and the Mountain Dew he drinks.” – Frank on dietary concerns of Ben Fucking Beach
  • This guy introduce me to “ABCDEath” and Psychostick and I love it
  • Knows how to make a nerd voice
  • Introduced me to Jamie who is perhaps the coolest person I have met in Frank’s band
  • Has rice pudding that reminds me of home

The Things I Have Learned From Ben Beach

Posted: April 30th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: North American News | 2 Comments »

When I came to Hampshire, I learned many things. I have learned that everyone has a voice in America. I learned that gays exist. I learned that America’s form of democracy is a vague concept to my countrymen who have never felt the pleasures of slugging down an entire can of Samuel Adams (although I myself have never tried it). In fact, there are things I keep learning that further peak my interest in America. I now know that the state capital of Washington is Olympia and that California is less progressive that Iowa. I also now know that stuff here is cheap and that if I try and convert it into Malaysian ringgit, it would not make sense.

But there is just one thing I have learned in Hampshire and it is that I have met a few awesome people. There’s Paul, Frank, Nathan and Karl. And then, there is Benjamin Fucking Beach. To describe in words is just not enough as you have to see and hear to believe him. He is perhaps a character so verbose and opinionated that when he farts, it smells of two things: intelligence and marijuana. My American experience is boiled down to this person and Paul but, Ben Fucking Beach perhaps just dwells deeper in the muck rut that I call Hampshire. Here is a list of things I have learned from him.

  • America is a whore and it will fuck with anyone.
  • He will make you his bitch.
  • He will fuck yo’ couch.
  • He wants to change his name to Benjamin Blair cause it is “an awesome fucking name”.
  • If you are keeping quiet, he will say, “Wanna talk about it, bitch?” whilst his right brow move into inquisitive mode and his face turns at your direction dramatically
  • Humboldt County is a place that grows the second best weed in America
  • He will push you into playing Super Smash Bros. even though you refuse it the umpteenth time
  • Has an opinion about feminist and it relates with my theory of bullshitism and fuckallogy
  • Says ‘fuck’ on every other sentence
  • Starts his sentence with ‘fuck’
  • Ends his sentence with ‘fuck’
  • Has an entire dialogue that consists of the word ‘fuck’
  • Opinion on capitalist: “Fucktards”
  • Opinion on socialist: “Motherfuckers”
  • Opinion on rastafarians: “Pass me that fuck”
  • Will be going to North Korea to, as our friends say, “do priestly things with children”
  • Qualified goatfucker
  • Laughs whenever I say, “I have a triple platinum card with NAMBLA.”
  • MoHo = MoeHoes
  • Sublime to him is not a Christian rock band
  • Can finish two bottles of wine in a day
  • Swears combined to make super-swears… e.g. Douchefuck

Easter Make Jews Feel Alienated After Passover

Posted: April 13th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

NEW YORK CITY, New York – A recent survey in the New York Times suggests that Jews universally feel left out after celebrating Passover. Among subjects surveyed, most mention that Easter’s theme of death and resurrection does not correspond into their Jewish mind. One of the surveyed quoted saying, “If you died, you die and go to heaven… there was no way you can just come back up from the dead. Jesus is therefore a… urh… a Dracula!”

level-of-alienationThe surveyed mentioned the similarities between Jesus Christ with Dracula, drawing conclusions that both Christians and Jesus are vampires and that Christians are forced to drink the blood of Christ, forcing them to become the devil hellspawn of Earth. Although, most people did not associate the resurrection holiday with satanism. “With the matzos and the gifelte fish, you’d expect the Christians would be courteous to be as depressing as the rest of the world is,” commented one of the surveyed people. “We Jews feel absolutely unpleasant with the colored eggs and the tasty Easter brunches these people have. [We] have unleavened bread… unleavened bread…? Who the fuck eats rabbit eggs?!”

However, a rebuttal from the Proper Christian Families of America has caused some sparks of controversy. Spokesperson Jane Watson spoke to Baka-TV news earlier and said, “I would not under no circumstance allow these people to ruin the traditional egg hunt through the dark forest. [Christians] want to celebrate Easter without being pushed into the state of depression. I mean, what do you want: a miracle story of a guy coming back to life after being humiliated in front of thousands of people, cruxified and died OR some recognition of a bunch of peoples’ safe passage over some stupid water?”

No comments by the North American Jewish Association were made yet at the time of this article. The Muslim delegate at a Understanding of Religion and Peace Forum have expressed sympathy to both Christians and Jews to then only later prance around in a circle, pointing and laughing at all religious representatives going, “We have one whole month of holidays later in late September while you don’t!” A subsequent beatdown was later done on the behalf of Jewish and Christian representatives by Hindu, Sikh, Rastafarian and Buddhist representatives.


The Onion: New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In Face

Posted: April 7th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments »


Star Trek as The A-Team

Posted: April 5th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »


Charlize Theron: Questionable Acting

Posted: April 5th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Charlize Theron Questionable Acting Ability

SRSLY.


Debauchery, Sin and Vomit: St. Mary Street, Cardiff, Wales

Posted: April 1st, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: European News | No Comments »
Balchïa chan 'r Cymraeg

Balchïa chan 'r Cymraeg

In any city, there is bound to be a spot where the local deviants gather to get hammered, beat up each other and vomit in unison. In Great Britain, it is a common sight on a Friday, Saturday night or a night when there is football (soccer). But when I was perusing through the Internet today, Cardiff, Wales, drew my attention. I’m sure a picture tells a thousand words but these will tell the epic, Gilgamesh.

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