CHICAGO, doctor Illinois – Rick Santorum, link after losing the Illinois Republican primary, released a statement to several reporters before continuing his tour around the country. At a press conference, FOX, MSNBC and CNN have reported that Rick Santorum wanted to become “Persistent Poop”. Confused by the statement, Santorum goes on to mention that he wants to rule the United States on the the “poopy”cy seat. The press core looked even more confused as he started describing the motions he would do to get his job done, to become “Persistent Poop”. The motions performed by Santorum further confused reporters from al Jazeera and also, ABC News.
Baka-TV would like to correct all three news networks that Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum did not say “Persistent Poop. He wanted to become President and Pope, at the same time. The motions gestured by Santorum during the press conference was in reference to journalist David Blumquist from Bloomberg on how does Rick Santorum does a poop.
BURBANK, checkmind California – Neilsen ratings confirmed that NBC is poised to take 4th again in the timeslot and thus, seek ending the cycle of suicides throughout the United States. On November 2011, pill the depressed Community fans heard that the show was going on a hiatus to make way for the menopausal variety hour, 30 Rock. Upon hearing the news, many fans wrote letters to NBC headquarters at 30 Rockefeller expressing disdain. However, a majority of fans created a suicide pact, claiming each day without Community, a person from the pact has to kill themselves. So far, the pact has claimed the lives of 98 people. With the return of the beloved NBC show, fans of Whitney are now doing a similar version of the pact. Sympathy from the online community was nonplussed about the affair as fans of Whitney are considered painful people that deserve to jump off a 20-storey building.
ATHENS, Greece – Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos has been cast as one of the new buyers in A&E’s Storage Wars. With recent austerity measures being tabled in the Greek parliament, Papademos hoped to alleviate the debt issue by going through people’s personal and private junk to make a quick Euro. The show each week features four buyers attempting to bid on an storage unit on auction in California. During the show, the buyers often find hidden treasures in the storage units but, there are times that they do not find anything.
“It will be great,” commented Jackie Marles, a frequent watcher of the show. “I mean, the urgency of buying a storage locker could be heightened with [Papademos] as he really needs the money.”
Papademos has been spotted at the U-Haul Storage Facility in Bakersfield during a recent taping of the show. Auction goers also reported that Dave Hester, one of the participants of the show, had verbally harassed the Prime Minister. Bodyguards surrounded Mr. Hester which caused him to lose the bid on the storage locker to Papademos. It is unknown whether Papademos found cool stuff in the locker as show participant Barry Weiss called the locker purchased by the PM, “a mess and a trip to the 70s”.
LOS ANGELES, California – Charlie Sheen is at it yet again with news that he has been spotted consuming drugs with several prostitutes at a famous nightclub in Hollywood. With friends and family worried of his well-being, they have checked in 70-year-old veteran actor Martin Sheen into the Betty Ford Clinic once more, citing Charlie Sheen’s wild and destructive behavior as the reason for the admittance.
“He is doing fine,” reported Dr. Lawrence Perrel, a psychologist working with Mr. Sheen at the Betty Ford Clinic. “Martin is seeing the light that by creating Charlie Sheen, he had created the problem.”
This was not the first time Martin Sheen had checked himself into rehab. Back in 2006, Charlie Sheen had stated that the disaster during September 11 2001 was a creation of United States government. A concerned Martin Sheen immediately checked himself into rehab, again citing the reason of “the creation of the entity called ‘Charlie Sheen’.” Another such incident was in 2009 after Charlie Sheen assaulted his then-wife Brooke Mueller which saw Martin Sheen’s immediate check-in into rehab for the same reason.
“He does know when to stop,” commented Dr. Perrel. “However, with the influence around him, Charlie gets into the trouble Martin deserves and Martin has shown signs of remorse time and again. It’s the media scrutiny that makes Charlie Sheen not change and Martin Sheen go in and out of rehab.”
According to the doctors and nurses who are treating Martin Sheen, the program of rehabilitation that the actor will go through include “24 hours of quiet meditation and contemplation”, “14 hours of therapy”, “binge drinking seminars” and “a majestic walk up the San Gabriel Mountains to reflect on the creation of a person who needs to lay off drugs, alcohol and prostitutes”. In addition, Martin Sheen will undergo 12 hours of community service for the crimes Charlie Sheen had committed.
This is not the first time a family member enters a program for the problems caused by another family member. Earlier in 2010, Dina Lohan entered solitary confinement for the alleged drink-and-drive problems caused by her daughter Lindsay Lohan.
One of these people can be a weapon of mass "non-erection"
WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced a new, strict airline security measure to ensure that fat European tourists will not ‘touch the sacred American soil with their bratwurst [any national food related item] smelling feet’. Although considered to be one of New York’s and Florida’s greatest source of income, the growing trend of economic stagnation caused by the European tourist forced Homeland Security to take action.
Napolitano also cited the 2005 French Humiliation Attack where a rich European began to openly criticize then-President George W. Bush and the taste of Starbucks coffee without even taking a sip. The International Community applauded the action of Jacques Rosseau Salibaire, the terrorist. He was considered the most wanted man in America until he wound up in New Orleans during Katrina and was found dead in the French Quarter with a suicide note tied to his chest that said, “I am a bastard. I am sorry and I have a stool leg up my ass as I drown myself in this part of town with a ball gag in my mouth.”
The four-step plan mentioned during the meeting was as followed.
VISA issued for these countries will continue as usual under scrutiny of the Patriot Act as with other immigration laws
Cardboard cutouts, printed travel pamphlets and travel ads featuring Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi will be used to promote tourism in Europe
De-educated Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi to not read country name in passports
Give the position of the Immigration Officer to her and 20 Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi lookalikes where there will frustrate the tourists even more than usual
The latest US defense against missiles and stray Taliban bullets
Advisor to the Secretary of Homeland Security William J. Marple mentioned that with this plan, it will make sure that the American economy will continue to stagnate. “Also,” continued Marple, “[this operation will] annoy any non-American with the ‘New Jerseyite’ folksy, guido charm as asking them to get [the fuck] out does not seem to penetrate their [numbskull, fucking] minds.”
The measure called ‘Operation Snooki’ will commence in airports everywhere on June 30th 2010 if passed by Congress. In other news, ‘Operation The Situation’ will place Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino in the middle of the Afghani desert where he will use his abs to reflect Taliban bullets that are aimed towards American and British troops. General McChrystal remarked that this plan would only be executed either on September 21st 2010 or when the makers of CytoSport™ Muscle Milk® decide to sponsor half of the war.
SPRINGFIELD, Mass. – A state judge passed a verdict of 8 to 1 in the most controversial case in Massachusetts state judicial history. Judge Raymond Ortiz sentenced Mr. Figgles, a Yorkshire Terrier to death for assault and creating an non-conducive environment in a long two year case.
On the night of 12th December 2007, Igorr Lepschemsky entered the home of Janice Wembl in an attempt to burglarize the property. Walking down the creaky hallway, Lepschemsky was discovered by Mr. Figgles, an adorable and loud 2 year old Yorkshire terrier. By instinct, Mr. Figgles barked at the 32-year-old crack addict and college dropout. Stirred by the noise of the dog, Wembl and her then-boyfriend, WIll Ambertone raced downstairs to find Mr. Figgles biting Lepschemsky’s right leg whilst growling.
Perturbed by the disturbance, neighbor Daniel Lowe notified law enforcement and the local pound to visit the Wembl household. Officers arrived at the residence to find Lepschemsky pinned down by Ambertone’s massive muscle building calves and Mr. Figgles biting and growling the robber’s leg. Officers removed Lepschemsky from the residence and the pound held back the vicious and fluffy dog.
“This is a win for America,” said defense attorney Jeffrey Zumberg. “My clients [Lepschemsky and Lowe] were not happy with the law that governs us and that their victory ensures that liberty and the American justice system is prevailed is a fair deal for me. The fact that you can sue an owner for half a million for leg damages and execute a dog in a non-capital punishment state like Massachusetts shows the lines where we draw.”
This was not the first trial to actually cause the death penalty to be thrown at an individual in Massachusetts. The Salem Witch Trials were examples of town sluts accused of witchcraft. Historian Annard Gelart cited, “Best day for stupid sluts who won’t show men their South Carolina.”
TAIPEI, Taiwan – In a recent charity concert for the benefit of the recently displaced victims of Typhoon Morakot, Taiwanese-born American director Ang Lee denounced Taiwan President Ma Ying-jeou for not stepping up to the plate. After taking responsiblity for the slow response, the 54-year-old director launched a furious tirade against the leader that went off prompter. His onstage partner and fellow director, Tsai Ming-liang, a Malaysian-born Taiwanese looked at Lee with horror.
An artist rendition of Ang Lee in a state of non-douchebaggery
The following is a transcript of the event.
“I hate the way they portray us in the media. If you see an Asian family it says they are farming for rice. If you see a tourist (white people), it says they are looking for a way out in a major disaster.”
[Tsai, visibly uncomfortable, reads from prompter script. Camera cuts back to Lee, who pauses, then says]
“Ma Ying-jeou doesn’t care about Asian people!”
CTV, the broadcaster of the gala charity event, issued a statement that the views expressed were not of the network and were solely Lee’s opinion.
Meanwhile, halfway around the world, the competition to determine whether Kanye West has vocal abilities that can rival of opera singers has come to an end when a 400 pound tenor accidentally sat on West’s Auto-tune device. No injuries were reported except for Kanye’s pride.
Editor’s Note: The views provided by Samuel Mason does not necessarily represent the view of Baka-TV and any sane man’s idea. The ideas expressed are merely fictitious and therefore, deemed reprehensible by nature.
Do you want to hear something great? Michael Jackson is dead. Do you want to hear something not great? Ticket sales from the July O2 concert in London are going to waste as he is now in no state to perform. No matter how saddened we are by his sudden passing, there are several ways to solve this. I have already sent my proposals written on my Hooters napkins to the O2 Board of Directors and although I am not allowed to disclose any information, I guess you should know these ideas will be rejected.
Idea #1: Transport Jackson’s body for Live 2-Year Funeral
This idea surrounded my premise that of the parallels of Michael Jackson and People’s Republic of China deceased leader Chairman Mao Zedong. Since Michael is already not man and all plastic, I say we place his body in the O2 Arena for public display that will rival the waxwork figure of him (or clone) at Madame Tussuad. The dynamics of this is that ticket owners can see him live on stage, dead as we blast songs that followed his notoriety as a performer, singer and acquitted child molester. The only problem is that due to the lack of freezing applications to freeze his body, his body might explode from the overheating due to the high voltage lights surrounding the stage.
Idea #2: Get This Michael Jackson Impersonator to Perform in Place of Michael
Screw Justin Timberlake! What we need is a good Michael Jackson impersonator to perform and everyone will be happy.
I am laughing, we are laughing, everyone will be laughing and then… SOCCER RIOTS!
Idea #3: String Him Up
A user from 4chan suggested this and I agree with him completely. What we should do is string up Michael’s body and make him perform truly one last time. We bury him for 3 months or so and then, after those months in the soil, we string him up on marionette strings. We fly his body out to London and then, with help from The Jim Henson Company, we make a puppet out of Michael and make him perform “Thriller”. We did it with our dead friend, Jimmy the Shoe Shiner and he did a fantastic version of Oliver Twist and Danny Boy. Although his eyes have fallen out, his singing voice was excellent thanks in part of Old Sailor Everett who has a crack and meth problem.
Well, whatever way it is, I think Michael was a great entertainer, even though we do not have a television or this new fangled Internet. I had to learn who he is because the editor is a fantastic person who is also generous and having this can of beans is all I have as property.
LOS ANGELES, California – Even in death, Michael Jackson’s legal trouble looms on but this time, it is about his children. The three-ring circus of Michael Jackson’s court case have caused a calamity within the family on who will inherit Michael’s wealth and most of all, take care of his three children: Prince Michael, Prince Michael II and Paris. Even though without a will, the Baudelaire children from the popular ‘Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events’ novel have begun a lawsuit against the pop star’s children, citing near similarities with their trials and tribulation in getting their large family wealth.
Representatives of Jackson’s children responded to the claim of the plot theft as “ludicrous and completely untrue” and that the children will “happily engage in this battle, even if it takes the Baudelaire children a million lawyers to settle this”.
The death of Michael Jackson have caused outpouring tribute to the Thriller star but most speculate that the children will be moving from foster home to foster home, taken care by some of their father’s weird relatives and ever weirder friends. Many speculate that irresponsible mother and overall spiteful bitch Debbie Rowe might be in the lead to take of the children. The Baudelaire sent this very example of parallels between Debbie Rowe and their first caretaker, a Count Olaf, who tragically died from what police called “an unfortunate fishing accident”.
Whether or not Debbie Rowe would have a large sharp instrument protruding through her abdomen will come true, this copyright case will be going on for quite a while.
NEW YORK CITY, New York – A fan feud occured outside a cinema close to 30 Rockefeller between fans of X-men and Star Trek. Although earlier reports suggest that most Trekkies would not watch the watchable 2 hour movie, most did come because of the appearance of Leonard Nimoy in the movie. The feud started off when Dennis Allers of Miami (or the USS Cleveland) queued in the line when he heard an X-cosplayer shouting how much Star Trek sucked. The feud started with a verbal sparring match, queuing up the acting talents of Leonard Nimoy and Hugh Jackman. Then, a physical confrontation began between the two that was both weak and filled with bouts of inhaling inhalers.
Police were called to the scene but they refused to step into the fight as they felt that the argument should be resolved with who would kick ass with representation by the parties: Wolverine or the USS Enterprise.
“The fight was über lame,” commented a spectator. “You’d expect blood by now but all I see was weak punches by Wolverine and the klingon,” added the spectator.
By the end of the 3 hour confrontation, the Wolverine cosplayer fainted and was immediately hospitalized, crowning Star Trek more awesome than Wolverine. Analyst of the fight suggest that because the comic book fanbase are refusing to watch the movie, the support of it was low and therefore, Wolverine cannot faceoff a full-fledged Federation officer. Among the other theories given, the phasers might just melt off Wolverine’s stupid adamantium claw.
Trekkies have often clashes with other groups of fandom. The Star Wars-Star Trek War of 1999 for instance lost 10 Trekkies while Trekkies v Lost Angels contributed to the largest Trekkie massacre and loss of virginity, in the ass.