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Kim Jong-un to Assad: Keep Up the Good Work, Good Buddy

Posted: February 22nd, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Asian News, North Korea, Uncategorized | No Comments »

PYONGYANG, North Korea – Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Commander of the People’s Democratic Republic of North Korea recently praised Bashir al-Assad’s attempt to quell rebellion at Homs, Syria. Calling it a great victory against the great liberal West, the shelling of Homs reminded Kim Jong-un, according to the press release, of how he once blew up an entire village with a single artillery strike. The congratulatory tone of Kim Jong-un to dictators of other nations is seen by pro-tyranny NGOs such as Sit, Spin and Starve and Fuck the Free World, More Gold Toilets as a step up from Kim Jong-il’s often quiet stance. Kim Jong-il, the former Supreme Leader, often responded to intention violent acts by sitting alone in his grand palaces and trains, watching Sylvester Stallone movies while lulling himself to sleep knowing that his stature will not get the recognition of violence sorely needed by the egotistical maniac community.

In a related story, President Robert Mugabe also congratulated the Egyptian military for suppressing a football riot at Port Said. With the death toll at 75, Robert Mugabe then leaped up onto the podium and shouted at reporters saying, “My tactics are always right!” He then continued shouting, “Guess who’s the motherfucking dictator?” to then moon the crowd of reporters.

New York Giants to Go to Super Bowl, Not Competing, Just Going There

Posted: February 6th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

ARLINGTON, Texas – Team members from the New York Giants will be arriving here to be at the Super Bowl XLV. Although they lost to the Green Bay Packers on the December 26, they will be on the field, regardless of their situation.

Fans recall their win in 2008 and with the unwillingness to let go of their two continuous years of failing to even qualify for the Super Bowl, coach Tom Coughlin mentioned that his team will just left loose to run on the field to cause “infinite amount of field-based chaos”.

“I really don’t care if we didn’t make it,” said Coughlin. “I hold no grudge so, why not let the boys just go around and hit one of the other players from team douchebag [Steelers] and asshat [Packers].”

His strategy to let loose players on the field as a barricade of game progression has baffled top commentators. Some have even speculated that Eli Manning could be running down the goal line from the 50 yard line with an identical ball in the opposing direction of wherever the game action is going on. Even defensive backs Terrell Thomas and Corey Webster have been rumored to be sitting on the 25 yard line to just play Jenga while Steelers and Packers play on.

“We did not get there [the Super Bowl],” said offensive lineman Shawn Andrews. “But we’ll distract the game so hard and so much that people will think that we won with this immature play of ours.”

In other news, the Detroit Lions will also be at the Super Bowl as part of the Black-Eyed Peas Half-Time Show roadies.

Paul Rudd is My God

Posted: June 1st, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

I’m watching old Conan O’ Brien videos and I am a fan of Paul Rudd’s work. Now, somnology what happens when these two are on the show together? You have Paul Rudd coming to the show, promoting a movie. Except, Rudd does not always does that. What Paul Rudd does is he shows a clip from “Mac and Me”, a parapeligic version of ET. And, it is always the clip of the kid in this wheelchair spiraling out of control from a cliff.

After this constant showing of this clip, Paul Rudd is officially funny and in my pantheon of Gods.

Obama Taken Away Blackberry Rights

Posted: May 17th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

WASHINGTON D.C. – Last night, dermatologist White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that Michelle Obama had just taken away the Blackberry rights of President Obama, unhealthy citing that he is costing higher phone bills in the White House. In a bold move that shocked everyone, diabetes and pregnancy Robert Gates described the event.

“The President threw a tantrum, screaming ‘You’re not the boss of me!’, crying in a fetal position and banging his fist on the floor,” described Secretary Gibbs about the event. “It looked like the Terrible Two,” quipped Gibbs trying to describe the Presidential meltdown over the mobile device. He continued by mentioning that the President, locked his door in the Oval Office, while blasting loud emo music, deafening the staff at the residence. Not one of the best moments for Obama, who is an admitted Blackberry addict, reporters further drilled Secretary Gibbs about the fit.

Obama trying to control his tears for the loss of his Blackberry while speaking to students at ASU.

Obama trying to control his tears for the loss of his Blackberry while speaking to students at ASU.

“It’s not pretty,” said Gibbs, “when Obama gets mad. This morning he was pouting over the breakfast table as Secretary Clinton came in to brief him about the current problem with North Korea.” Gibbs added, “He just would not let it go but when I spoke to him earlier, he was calm and collective, ready now to run the country without his Blackberry.”

The President does a lot of things with the Blackberry he was given by the Secret Service. The President checks his email and does a Facebook edit once in awhile. What most don’t know that the President does Twitter and he tweets to his fellow followers. Similarly, Obama recently followed his former political rival, John McCain, twitter after John McCain started following Obama on the very first day that the President started. John McCain is eagerly following the President, trying to find a fault of the Jesus-like President presided in the Internet world.

The Things I Have Learned From Frank Sacramone

Posted: April 30th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

I have learned a lot about America. I learned that America is number one and that monster trucks are the greatest invention next to the flushing toilet. In my American experience, ambulance steaks are infinitely bigger and that super-size is mandatory, clinic not an option. Everything is big from the land mass of Texas to the fat people at Mississippi. Things are awfully big in America. Back home, houses were small, quaint and dilapidated. Complain it to the person who owns the house and he will do as such. In America, if you tell someone that their house is shit, expect a shotgun aimed at your face and the words, “Get outta my property!” become a voice that you obey.

Although Ben Fucking Beach was  a character to behold, Frank Sacramone of Scotty and the Pornos is perhaps one of the most outstanding characters whose valor and dignity stands more upright than an erection of a flagpole. Practical and confident, these mere words could probably best describe him. Vertical in height, this person could almost always ring out a laugh into a situation. He brought the rock music in America to my ears, although I detest the “violent capitalist attitude to the demonic voices from predominantly rich kids who do this as a form of rebellion”.

Anyway, he has taught me very valuable things.

  • Mississippi is perhaps the worst state in the country next to Alabama
  • Connecticut is so cheap that Jews sweat beads of money to pay off their debts
  • Smith girls are hot
  • Porno bands exist to only make you horny and hot as hell
  • He has your nuts
  • You don’t want to be spar partners with Frank
  • Jigglypuff is NOT a fag character… (not after Jigglypuff kicked Captain Falcon’s ass)
  • Seth is a bitch
  • Creeper’s United is a valid student organization to provide eerie and creepy stalker looks while people work out.
  • “This is America! You don’t be speakin’ that funny talk cuz it ain’t America!” – Frank imitating an American hero (note that there is not a typo)
  • Everything in America from hybrid cars to the food at Hampshire’s Dining Commons runs on General Tsao’s
  • Everything goes well with General Tsao’s
  • “One day, Hoss will make a General Tsao, Oreo Stuf, bacon fat and mozzarella cheese pizza. Top that off with some barbecue sauce and high fructose syrup, Ben will die in a day with that and the Mountain Dew he drinks.” – Frank on dietary concerns of Ben Fucking Beach
  • This guy introduce me to “ABCDEath” and Psychostick and I love it
  • Knows how to make a nerd voice
  • Introduced me to Jamie who is perhaps the coolest person I have met in Frank’s band
  • Has rice pudding that reminds me of home

Easter Make Jews Feel Alienated After Passover

Posted: April 13th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

NEW YORK CITY, apoplexy New York – A recent survey in the New York Times suggests that Jews universally feel left out after celebrating Passover. Among subjects surveyed, dosage most mention that Easter’s theme of death and resurrection does not correspond into their Jewish mind. One of the surveyed quoted saying, view “If you died, you die and go to heaven… there was no way you can just come back up from the dead. Jesus is therefore a… urh… a Dracula!”

level-of-alienationThe surveyed mentioned the similarities between Jesus Christ with Dracula, drawing conclusions that both Christians and Jesus are vampires and that Christians are forced to drink the blood of Christ, forcing them to become the devil hellspawn of Earth. Although, most people did not associate the resurrection holiday with satanism. “With the matzos and the gifelte fish, you’d expect the Christians would be courteous to be as depressing as the rest of the world is,” commented one of the surveyed people. “We Jews feel absolutely unpleasant with the colored eggs and the tasty Easter brunches these people have. [We] have unleavened bread… unleavened bread…? Who the fuck eats rabbit eggs?!”

However, a rebuttal from the Proper Christian Families of America has caused some sparks of controversy. Spokesperson Jane Watson spoke to Baka-TV news earlier and said, “I would not under no circumstance allow these people to ruin the traditional egg hunt through the dark forest. [Christians] want to celebrate Easter without being pushed into the state of depression. I mean, what do you want: a miracle story of a guy coming back to life after being humiliated in front of thousands of people, cruxified and died OR some recognition of a bunch of peoples’ safe passage over some stupid water?”

No comments by the North American Jewish Association were made yet at the time of this article. The Muslim delegate at a Understanding of Religion and Peace Forum have expressed sympathy to both Christians and Jews to then only later prance around in a circle, pointing and laughing at all religious representatives going, “We have one whole month of holidays later in late September while you don’t!” A subsequent beatdown was later done on the behalf of Jewish and Christian representatives by Hindu, Sikh, Rastafarian and Buddhist representatives.

The Onion: New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In Face

Posted: April 7th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Charlize Theron: Questionable Acting

Posted: April 5th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Charlize Theron Questionable Acting Ability


IKEA Unveils New “DIY” Car Model

Posted: March 29th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

Delft, discount rx HOLLAND – IKEA recently unveiled in its Spring catalogue the world’s first DIY car. Encouraging customers to buy the piece by piece car in a slump economy, about it many critics hailed the idea presented by IKEA. One customer from Detroit, viagra 100mg Michigan said that, “…it encourages me to get my hands dirty before throwing the uncompleted car into the ground, smashing it due to sheer frustration.” The IKEA car or the i-Kar has so far attracted many customers who feel it is time to bring down automakers with some DIY work.

However, there have been complaints about the i-Kar. For example, many complain about the difficult assembly of unmatched car parts and the hard to read instruction guide written entirely in Hindi and Swedish. Also, one consumer commented the car “being a cabinet”. IKEA spokesman, Hans Garbo, said that, “[The i-Kar] is left to the imagination of the consumer and it is up to them to figure it out whether they want to incorporate a table into the i-Kar.” Accessories for the i-Kar has been planned for a release in 2009 winter which includes vinyl seats, children safety features and some Swedish furniture that looks like a toilet but it is not.

This comes as a shock to most consumers as IKEA recently lauched DIY country kit that consists of flag, parliament house and 2 billion dollars to pay investment firms to stay afloat.

Death Row Inmate Gets Execution in a form of a Last Meal that Never Ends

Posted: March 29th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

Topeka, thumb KANSAS – The Governor of Kansas recently allowed the last meal of death row inmate Joshua Hopkins, a triple murderer who robbed and stabbed three people at a local baby store, buy to be a meal that last forever as a form of his sentence. Families of the murderer victims have spoken for the punishment. So far, Hopkins has been eating nonstop from the buffet that never ends. When asked by reporters about regretting his decision of killing the people, Hopkins only replied gluttonously to one reporter to “…pass the fillet mignon as it is getting cold”.

Fellow inmate Sharif al-Jaafar White has this to say about Hopkins. “He said he did not want to die and all the state is doing is killing him with his passion of food.” The mystery surrounding the murder remains as how did Hopkins commit a murder as he was 500 pounds in weight when arrested. Police speculated that he might have done a reverse liposuction with a vacuum cleaner and a dead pig carcass found on the scene of his arrest. When asked further about his death penalty, Hopkins said indiscernibly while chewing his sirloin, “Dieing like this a tragedy as I am being forced to death with food that I love.”

This news came after only a few months ago in Texas did the governor allowed the death penalty of a serial rapist through ‘continuous sexual pleasure until dead’.