HEADLINES
Egypt protest escalates to new heights as protesters demand Mubarak step down while wearing a beautiful satin prom dress. ¤ Roaming panda terrorizes community into mass cuddle of cuteness. ¤ Apple announces the creation of a new MacBook called "Pen and Notebook". ¤ Peruvian flute more annoying than bagpipes during funerals, study shown. ¤ P. Diddy announces that the "P" in his moniker is not "pimp" but "parent". ¤ Dreams are made from bovine spongiform, experts confirm. ¤ "Sometimes, dead men do sing better in a barber shop quartet," said Kanye West to a few angry white people. ¤ Santa to deliver gift to Morocco for the first time in 35 years after Elven Made Toys Embargo ended. ¤ San Diego Chargers win award for "Best Baseball Team in Their Heads". ¤ Michael Bay to create movie about rock climbing, explosions that will cause his imminent death. ¤ Bangladesh annual monsoon rains to electrocuted textile workers. ¤ While Tron smashes the holiday box office, Tron Guy's testicles smashes atoms.

Kim Jong-un to Assad: Keep Up the Good Work, Good Buddy

Posted: February 22nd, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Asian News, North Korea, Uncategorized | No Comments »

PYONGYANG, refractionist North Korea – Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Commander of the People’s Democratic Republic of North Korea recently praised Bashir al-Assad’s attempt to quell rebellion at Homs, Syria. Calling it a great victory against the great liberal West, the shelling of Homs reminded Kim Jong-un, according to the press release, of how he once blew up an entire village with a single artillery strike. The congratulatory tone of Kim Jong-un to dictators of other nations is seen by pro-tyranny NGOs such as Sit, Spin and Starve and Fuck the Free World, More Gold Toilets as a step up from Kim Jong-il’s often quiet stance. Kim Jong-il, the former Supreme Leader, often responded to intention violent acts by sitting alone in his grand palaces and trains, watching Sylvester Stallone movies while lulling himself to sleep knowing that his stature will not get the recognition of violence sorely needed by the egotistical maniac community.

In a related story, President Robert Mugabe also congratulated the Egyptian military for suppressing a football riot at Port Said. With the death toll at 75, Robert Mugabe then leaped up onto the podium and shouted at reporters saying, “My tactics are always right!” He then continued shouting, “Guess who’s the motherfucking dictator?” to then moon the crowd of reporters.


New York Giants to Go to Super Bowl, Not Competing, Just Going There

Posted: February 6th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

ARLINGTON, cough Texas – Team members from the New York Giants will be arriving here to be at the Super Bowl XLV. Although they lost to the Green Bay Packers on the December 26, they will be on the field, regardless of their situation.

Fans recall their win in 2008 and with the unwillingness to let go of their two continuous years of failing to even qualify for the Super Bowl, coach Tom Coughlin mentioned that his team will just left loose to run on the field to cause “infinite amount of field-based chaos”.

“I really don’t care if we didn’t make it,” said Coughlin. “I hold no grudge so, why not let the boys just go around and hit one of the other players from team douchebag [Steelers] and asshat [Packers].”

His strategy to let loose players on the field as a barricade of game progression has baffled top commentators. Some have even speculated that Eli Manning could be running down the goal line from the 50 yard line with an identical ball in the opposing direction of wherever the game action is going on. Even defensive backs Terrell Thomas and Corey Webster have been rumored to be sitting on the 25 yard line to just play Jenga while Steelers and Packers play on.

“We did not get there [the Super Bowl],” said offensive lineman Shawn Andrews. “But we’ll distract the game so hard and so much that people will think that we won with this immature play of ours.”

In other news, the Detroit Lions will also be at the Super Bowl as part of the Black-Eyed Peas Half-Time Show roadies.


Study: Watching “RuPaul: Drag Race” Likely to Make You Turn Off Television Forever

Posted: February 1st, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

CAMBRIDGE, page Massachusetts – Recently, stuff a study at the Howard Kreissler Institute of Television Studies observed that a majority of people who watch RuPaul: Drag Race are most likely to switch off their television for the rest of their lives, often leaving subjects either exasperated or shocked by what they had just seen.

“Most of the respondents had very negative views of the show and the television in general,”  said Dr. Ronald Bowen, head researcher of the study. “Respondents were viewed through a camera in the examination room and what came out after watching the RuPaul’s show was one of anger as many tried to burn the image of a bald man tucking his penis between his legs out of their heads.”

Of the eighty people subjected to the research, an overwhelming68% responded by switching off the television and then, throwing it off the research facility into the parking lot below. Surprisingly, a shocking 24% of respondents showed signs of arousal as the streaming of the show began.

“It’s strange sometimes,” added Bowen. “We were not expecting the results but when respondents came out the response chamber smelling of sweat, semen and shame, it intrigued us as to what extent that RuPaul can be used as a military application.”


Manuscript for Jules Verne Sexist, Racist Novel on Whores Found

Posted: February 22nd, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

PARIS, ampoule France – The Bibliothèque nationale de France, order the national library of France found a tattered manuscript that belonged to Jules Verne. Titled, “Je peux voir de mes putains nègre organes génitaux” or “I Can See Negro Whores with My Genitalia”, this late Jules Verne work was found in the library amongst other hidden manuscripts of some of France’s greatest literary works from their greatest authors. The 230 page novel tells a tale of Jacques Rimbaud, a fictionalized version of Verne trying to solicit prostitutes in the middle of Industrial Revolution France. The cover of the manuscript was illustrated by Claude Monet and it was identified by an art curator at the Louvre as “Woman with a Parasol”.

The probable illustrated cover for Verne's novel, if published

“Typical of Verne to use analogies and euphemisms in his stories,” clarified French literature scholar Kim Rimbals. “The negro whore represents the downtrodden masses of France whilst the act of fellatio on the sixty-seventh page, mentioned here as the colloquial, ‘Je suis à bascule avec ma queue [I am rocking out with my cock out],’ represents the liberties that the French aspire to in their republic… not giving in to the demands of others as they [foreign powers] press further into their territories.”

The reason why the novel was not published in 1800s was also found in the manuscript in the form of the editor’s comment. The editor of Jepuin Publishing wrote that the book was ‘god awful’ and ‘the constant  mention of the human genitalia and rape was… [indecent] although funny as the whore is black and a woman.” A descendant of the editor, Willem Monpierre, had given a public apology for his ancestor’s racist and sexist comment. This also explains the appearance of Monet’s piece as an artwork due to the lack of commission received from Verne’s end.

Although criticism from the French literary circles are overwhelmingly negative, publishers and readers of Jules Verne are looking forward to this new work by the now-perverted French author. With euphemism-laden works such as “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea” and “Around the World in 80 Days”, currently adapted into a teen sex movie starring Seann William Scott, attracts more young readers and perverts, this manuscript would provide to the world a greater sense of morality that the French are an abominable sex creature.


Paul Rudd is My God

Posted: June 1st, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

I’m watching old Conan O’ Brien videos and I am a fan of Paul Rudd’s work. Now, somnology what happens when these two are on the show together? You have Paul Rudd coming to the show, promoting a movie. Except, Rudd does not always does that. What Paul Rudd does is he shows a clip from “Mac and Me”, a parapeligic version of ET. And, it is always the clip of the kid in this wheelchair spiraling out of control from a cliff.

After this constant showing of this clip, Paul Rudd is officially funny and in my pantheon of Gods.


Obama Taken Away Blackberry Rights

Posted: May 17th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

WASHINGTON D.C. – Last night, dermatologist White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that Michelle Obama had just taken away the Blackberry rights of President Obama, unhealthy citing that he is costing higher phone bills in the White House. In a bold move that shocked everyone, diabetes and pregnancy Robert Gates described the event.

“The President threw a tantrum, screaming ‘You’re not the boss of me!’, crying in a fetal position and banging his fist on the floor,” described Secretary Gibbs about the event. “It looked like the Terrible Two,” quipped Gibbs trying to describe the Presidential meltdown over the mobile device. He continued by mentioning that the President, locked his door in the Oval Office, while blasting loud emo music, deafening the staff at the residence. Not one of the best moments for Obama, who is an admitted Blackberry addict, reporters further drilled Secretary Gibbs about the fit.

Obama trying to control his tears for the loss of his Blackberry while speaking to students at ASU.

Obama trying to control his tears for the loss of his Blackberry while speaking to students at ASU.

“It’s not pretty,” said Gibbs, “when Obama gets mad. This morning he was pouting over the breakfast table as Secretary Clinton came in to brief him about the current problem with North Korea.” Gibbs added, “He just would not let it go but when I spoke to him earlier, he was calm and collective, ready now to run the country without his Blackberry.”

The President does a lot of things with the Blackberry he was given by the Secret Service. The President checks his email and does a Facebook edit once in awhile. What most don’t know that the President does Twitter and he tweets to his fellow followers. Similarly, Obama recently followed his former political rival, John McCain, twitter after John McCain started following Obama on the very first day that the President started. John McCain is eagerly following the President, trying to find a fault of the Jesus-like President presided in the Internet world.


The Things I Have Learned From Frank Sacramone

Posted: April 30th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

I have learned a lot about America. I learned that America is number one and that monster trucks are the greatest invention next to the flushing toilet. In my American experience, ambulance steaks are infinitely bigger and that super-size is mandatory, clinic not an option. Everything is big from the land mass of Texas to the fat people at Mississippi. Things are awfully big in America. Back home, houses were small, quaint and dilapidated. Complain it to the person who owns the house and he will do as such. In America, if you tell someone that their house is shit, expect a shotgun aimed at your face and the words, “Get outta my property!” become a voice that you obey.

Although Ben Fucking Beach was  a character to behold, Frank Sacramone of Scotty and the Pornos is perhaps one of the most outstanding characters whose valor and dignity stands more upright than an erection of a flagpole. Practical and confident, these mere words could probably best describe him. Vertical in height, this person could almost always ring out a laugh into a situation. He brought the rock music in America to my ears, although I detest the “violent capitalist attitude to the demonic voices from predominantly rich kids who do this as a form of rebellion”.

Anyway, he has taught me very valuable things.

  • Mississippi is perhaps the worst state in the country next to Alabama
  • Connecticut is so cheap that Jews sweat beads of money to pay off their debts
  • Smith girls are hot
  • Porno bands exist to only make you horny and hot as hell
  • He has your nuts
  • You don’t want to be spar partners with Frank
  • Jigglypuff is NOT a fag character… (not after Jigglypuff kicked Captain Falcon’s ass)
  • Seth is a bitch
  • Creeper’s United is a valid student organization to provide eerie and creepy stalker looks while people work out.
  • “This is America! You don’t be speakin’ that funny talk cuz it ain’t America!” – Frank imitating an American hero (note that there is not a typo)
  • Everything in America from hybrid cars to the food at Hampshire’s Dining Commons runs on General Tsao’s
  • Everything goes well with General Tsao’s
  • “One day, Hoss will make a General Tsao, Oreo Stuf, bacon fat and mozzarella cheese pizza. Top that off with some barbecue sauce and high fructose syrup, Ben will die in a day with that and the Mountain Dew he drinks.” – Frank on dietary concerns of Ben Fucking Beach
  • This guy introduce me to “ABCDEath” and Psychostick and I love it
  • Knows how to make a nerd voice
  • Introduced me to Jamie who is perhaps the coolest person I have met in Frank’s band
  • Has rice pudding that reminds me of home

Easter Make Jews Feel Alienated After Passover

Posted: April 13th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

NEW YORK CITY, apoplexy New York – A recent survey in the New York Times suggests that Jews universally feel left out after celebrating Passover. Among subjects surveyed, dosage most mention that Easter’s theme of death and resurrection does not correspond into their Jewish mind. One of the surveyed quoted saying, view “If you died, you die and go to heaven… there was no way you can just come back up from the dead. Jesus is therefore a… urh… a Dracula!”

level-of-alienationThe surveyed mentioned the similarities between Jesus Christ with Dracula, drawing conclusions that both Christians and Jesus are vampires and that Christians are forced to drink the blood of Christ, forcing them to become the devil hellspawn of Earth. Although, most people did not associate the resurrection holiday with satanism. “With the matzos and the gifelte fish, you’d expect the Christians would be courteous to be as depressing as the rest of the world is,” commented one of the surveyed people. “We Jews feel absolutely unpleasant with the colored eggs and the tasty Easter brunches these people have. [We] have unleavened bread… unleavened bread…? Who the fuck eats rabbit eggs?!”

However, a rebuttal from the Proper Christian Families of America has caused some sparks of controversy. Spokesperson Jane Watson spoke to Baka-TV news earlier and said, “I would not under no circumstance allow these people to ruin the traditional egg hunt through the dark forest. [Christians] want to celebrate Easter without being pushed into the state of depression. I mean, what do you want: a miracle story of a guy coming back to life after being humiliated in front of thousands of people, cruxified and died OR some recognition of a bunch of peoples’ safe passage over some stupid water?”

No comments by the North American Jewish Association were made yet at the time of this article. The Muslim delegate at a Understanding of Religion and Peace Forum have expressed sympathy to both Christians and Jews to then only later prance around in a circle, pointing and laughing at all religious representatives going, “We have one whole month of holidays later in late September while you don’t!” A subsequent beatdown was later done on the behalf of Jewish and Christian representatives by Hindu, Sikh, Rastafarian and Buddhist representatives.


The Onion: New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In Face

Posted: April 7th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments »


Charlize Theron: Questionable Acting

Posted: April 5th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Charlize Theron Questionable Acting Ability

SRSLY.