BURBANK, check mind California – Neilsen ratings confirmed that NBC is poised to take 4th again in the timeslot and thus, seek ending the cycle of suicides throughout the United States. On November 2011, pill the depressed Community fans heard that the show was going on a hiatus to make way for the menopausal variety hour, 30 Rock. Upon hearing the news, many fans wrote letters to NBC headquarters at 30 Rockefeller expressing disdain. However, a majority of fans created a suicide pact, claiming each day without Community, a person from the pact has to kill themselves. So far, the pact has claimed the lives of 98 people. With the return of the beloved NBC show, fans of Whitney are now doing a similar version of the pact. Sympathy from the online community was nonplussed about the affair as fans of Whitney are considered painful people that deserve to jump off a 20-storey building.
ATHENS, Greece – Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos has been cast as one of the new buyers in A&E’s Storage Wars. With recent austerity measures being tabled in the Greek parliament, Papademos hoped to alleviate the debt issue by going through people’s personal and private junk to make a quick Euro. The show each week features four buyers attempting to bid on an storage unit on auction in California. During the show, the buyers often find hidden treasures in the storage units but, there are times that they do not find anything.
“It will be great,” commented Jackie Marles, a frequent watcher of the show. “I mean, the urgency of buying a storage locker could be heightened with [Papademos] as he really needs the money.”
Papademos has been spotted at the U-Haul Storage Facility in Bakersfield during a recent taping of the show. Auction goers also reported that Dave Hester, one of the participants of the show, had verbally harassed the Prime Minister. Bodyguards surrounded Mr. Hester which caused him to lose the bid on the storage locker to Papademos. It is unknown whether Papademos found cool stuff in the locker as show participant Barry Weiss called the locker purchased by the PM, “a mess and a trip to the 70s”.
WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced a new, strict airline security measure to ensure that fat European tourists will not ‘touch the sacred American soil with their bratwurst [any national food related item] smelling feet’. Although considered to be one of New York’s and Florida’s greatest source of income, the growing trend of economic stagnation caused by the European tourist forced Homeland Security to take action.
Napolitano also cited the 2005 French Humiliation Attack where a rich European began to openly criticize then-President George W. Bush and the taste of Starbucks coffee without even taking a sip. The International Community applauded the action of Jacques Rosseau Salibaire, the terrorist. He was considered the most wanted man in America until he wound up in New Orleans during Katrina and was found dead in the French Quarter with a suicide note tied to his chest that said, “I am a bastard. I am sorry and I have a stool leg up my ass as I drown myself in this part of town with a ball gag in my mouth.”
The four-step plan mentioned during the meeting was as followed.
- VISA issued for these countries will continue as usual under scrutiny of the Patriot Act as with other immigration laws
- Cardboard cutouts, printed travel pamphlets and travel ads featuring Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi will be used to promote tourism in Europe
- De-educated Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi to not read country name in passports
- Give the position of the Immigration Officer to her and 20 Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi lookalikes where there will frustrate the tourists even more than usual
Advisor to the Secretary of Homeland Security William J. Marple mentioned that with this plan, it will make sure that the American economy will continue to stagnate. “Also,” continued Marple, “[this operation will] annoy any non-American with the ‘New Jerseyite’ folksy, guido charm as asking them to get [the fuck] out does not seem to penetrate their [numbskull, fucking] minds.”
The measure called ‘Operation Snooki’ will commence in airports everywhere on June 30th 2010 if passed by Congress. In other news, ‘Operation The Situation’ will place Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino in the middle of the Afghani desert where he will use his abs to reflect Taliban bullets that are aimed towards American and British troops. General McChrystal remarked that this plan would only be executed either on September 21st 2010 or when the makers of CytoSport™ Muscle Milk® decide to sponsor half of the war.
TAIPEI, Taiwan – In a recent charity concert for the benefit of the recently displaced victims of Typhoon Morakot, Taiwanese-born American director Ang Lee denounced Taiwan President Ma Ying-jeou for not stepping up to the plate. After taking responsiblity for the slow response, the 54-year-old director launched a furious tirade against the leader that went off prompter. His onstage partner and fellow director, Tsai Ming-liang, a Malaysian-born Taiwanese looked at Lee with horror.
The following is a transcript of the event.
“I hate the way they portray us in the media. If you see an Asian family it says they are farming for rice. If you see a tourist (white people), it says they are looking for a way out in a major disaster.”
[Tsai, visibly uncomfortable, reads from prompter script. Camera cuts back to Lee, who pauses, then says]
“Ma Ying-jeou doesn’t care about Asian people!”
CTV, the broadcaster of the gala charity event, issued a statement that the views expressed were not of the network and were solely Lee’s opinion.
Meanwhile, halfway around the world, the competition to determine whether Kanye West has vocal abilities that can rival of opera singers has come to an end when a 400 pound tenor accidentally sat on West’s Auto-tune device. No injuries were reported except for Kanye’s pride.
TOKYO, Japan – Prime Minister of Japan, Taro Aso or passionately called Rozen Aso by the anime otaku demographic, apologized to the nation of Japan increasing his clumsy and moé-like value by 20%. Failing to secure the Japanese economy in a failing economic climate, frequent manga readers and anime viewers rate him as nearly attaining a godlike level of moé.
“Ineptitude and clumsiness is the key,” said Takeru Matsumoto of Akihibara, “Sure, he messed up the economy of Japan and made two major banks fail, driving our country into recession but, that is perhaps the most moé thing to do.”
Another Akiba-kei compared Rozen Aso to the tragic figures of Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush. “I was not around that time [during Carter’s administration] but Taro-chan sure sounds like the past American figures.” He continued by saying that Aso-kun’s major shift into moédom could be a ploy for the Liberal Democrats to win in the next general election. “Downplaying a moé quality is not strategic in this election… there’s 20 million normal people and there’s 50 million of us [Akiba-kei]… who’s vote do you want? Some normal person with a fix income or us who have a large collection of figures and a library of manga and doujin?”
Aso-jisan was elected as the fourth prime minister of Japan since the win by the LDP in 2005 and after the major attack by a gargantuan irradiated fish/lizard monster.
Editor’s Note: The views provided by Samuel Mason does not necessarily represent the view of Baka-TV and any sane man’s idea. The ideas expressed are merely fictitious and therefore, deemed reprehensible by nature.
Do you want to hear something great? Michael Jackson is dead. Do you want to hear something not great? Ticket sales from the July O2 concert in London are going to waste as he is now in no state to perform. No matter how saddened we are by his sudden passing, there are several ways to solve this. I have already sent my proposals written on my Hooters napkins to the O2 Board of Directors and although I am not allowed to disclose any information, I guess you should know these ideas will be rejected.
Idea #1: Transport Jackson’s body for Live 2-Year Funeral
This idea surrounded my premise that of the parallels of Michael Jackson and People’s Republic of China deceased leader Chairman Mao Zedong. Since Michael is already not man and all plastic, I say we place his body in the O2 Arena for public display that will rival the waxwork figure of him (or clone) at Madame Tussuad. The dynamics of this is that ticket owners can see him live on stage, dead as we blast songs that followed his notoriety as a performer, singer and acquitted child molester. The only problem is that due to the lack of freezing applications to freeze his body, his body might explode from the overheating due to the high voltage lights surrounding the stage.
Idea #2: Get This Michael Jackson Impersonator to Perform in Place of Michael
Screw Justin Timberlake! What we need is a good Michael Jackson impersonator to perform and everyone will be happy.
I am laughing, we are laughing, everyone will be laughing and then… SOCCER RIOTS!
Idea #3: String Him Up
A user from 4chan suggested this and I agree with him completely. What we should do is string up Michael’s body and make him perform truly one last time. We bury him for 3 months or so and then, after those months in the soil, we string him up on marionette strings. We fly his body out to London and then, with help from The Jim Henson Company, we make a puppet out of Michael and make him perform “Thriller”. We did it with our dead friend, Jimmy the Shoe Shiner and he did a fantastic version of Oliver Twist and Danny Boy. Although his eyes have fallen out, his singing voice was excellent thanks in part of Old Sailor Everett who has a crack and meth problem.
Well, whatever way it is, I think Michael was a great entertainer, even though we do not have a television or this new fangled Internet. I had to learn who he is because the editor is a fantastic person who is also generous and having this can of beans is all I have as property.