PARIS, France – The Bibliothèque nationale de France, the national library of France found a tattered manuscript that belonged to Jules Verne. Titled, “Je peux voir de mes putains nègre organes génitaux” or “I Can See Negro Whores with My Genitalia”, this late Jules Verne work was found in the library amongst other hidden manuscripts of some of France’s greatest literary works from their greatest authors. The 230 page novel tells a tale of Jacques Rimbaud, a fictionalized version of Verne trying to solicit prostitutes in the middle of Industrial Revolution France. The cover of the manuscript was illustrated by Claude Monet and it was identified by an art curator at the Louvre as “Woman with a Parasol”.
“Typical of Verne to use analogies and euphemisms in his stories,” clarified French literature scholar Kim Rimbals. “The negro whore represents the downtrodden masses of France whilst the act of fellatio on the sixty-seventh page, mentioned here as the colloquial, ‘Je suis à bascule avec ma queue [I am rocking out with my cock out],’ represents the liberties that the French aspire to in their republic… not giving in to the demands of others as they [foreign powers] press further into their territories.”
The reason why the novel was not published in 1800s was also found in the manuscript in the form of the editor’s comment. The editor of Jepuin Publishing wrote that the book was ‘god awful’ and ‘the constant mention of the human genitalia and rape was… [indecent] although funny as the whore is black and a woman.” A descendant of the editor, Willem Monpierre, had given a public apology for his ancestor’s racist and sexist comment. This also explains the appearance of Monet’s piece as an artwork due to the lack of commission received from Verne’s end.
Although criticism from the French literary circles are overwhelmingly negative, publishers and readers of Jules Verne are looking forward to this new work by the now-perverted French author. With euphemism-laden works such as “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea” and “Around the World in 80 Days”, currently adapted into a teen sex movie starring Seann William Scott, attracts more young readers and perverts, this manuscript would provide to the world a greater sense of morality that the French are an abominable sex creature.
WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced a new, strict airline security measure to ensure that fat European tourists will not ‘touch the sacred American soil with their bratwurst [any national food related item] smelling feet’. Although considered to be one of New York’s and Florida’s greatest source of income, the growing trend of economic stagnation caused by the European tourist forced Homeland Security to take action.
Napolitano also cited the 2005 French Humiliation Attack where a rich European began to openly criticize then-President George W. Bush and the taste of Starbucks coffee without even taking a sip. The International Community applauded the action of Jacques Rosseau Salibaire, the terrorist. He was considered the most wanted man in America until he wound up in New Orleans during Katrina and was found dead in the French Quarter with a suicide note tied to his chest that said, “I am a bastard. I am sorry and I have a stool leg up my ass as I drown myself in this part of town with a ball gag in my mouth.”
The four-step plan mentioned during the meeting was as followed.
- VISA issued for these countries will continue as usual under scrutiny of the Patriot Act as with other immigration laws
- Cardboard cutouts, printed travel pamphlets and travel ads featuring Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi will be used to promote tourism in Europe
- De-educated Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi to not read country name in passports
- Give the position of the Immigration Officer to her and 20 Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi lookalikes where there will frustrate the tourists even more than usual
Advisor to the Secretary of Homeland Security William J. Marple mentioned that with this plan, it will make sure that the American economy will continue to stagnate. “Also,” continued Marple, “[this operation will] annoy any non-American with the ‘New Jerseyite’ folksy, guido charm as asking them to get [the fuck] out does not seem to penetrate their [numbskull, fucking] minds.”
The measure called ‘Operation Snooki’ will commence in airports everywhere on June 30th 2010 if passed by Congress. In other news, ‘Operation The Situation’ will place Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino in the middle of the Afghani desert where he will use his abs to reflect Taliban bullets that are aimed towards American and British troops. General McChrystal remarked that this plan would only be executed either on September 21st 2010 or when the makers of CytoSport™ Muscle Milk® decide to sponsor half of the war.