Greek PM to Join Storage Wars Cast

ATHENS, Greece – Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos has been cast as one of the new buyers in A&E’s Storage Wars. With recent austerity measures being tabled in the Greek parliament, Papademos hoped to alleviate the debt issue by going through people’s personal and private junk to make a quick Euro. The show each week features four buyers attempting to bid on an storage unit on auction in California. During the show, the buyers often find hidden treasures in the storage units but, there are times that they do not find anything.

“It will be great,” commented Jackie Marles, a frequent watcher of the show. “I mean, the urgency of buying a storage locker could be heightened with [Papademos] as he really needs the money.”

Papademos has been spotted at the U-Haul Storage Facility in Bakersfield during a recent taping of the show. Auction goers also reported that Dave Hester, one of the participants of the show, had verbally harassed the Prime Minister. Bodyguards surrounded Mr. Hester which caused him to lose the bid on the storage locker to Papademos. It is unknown whether Papademos found cool stuff in the locker as show participant Barry Weiss called the locker purchased by the PM, “a mess and a trip to the 70s”.

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European Passengers Continue to Spread “Bitch and Moan about Flights” Plague

PARIS, France – As snow blankets northwestern Europe, the massive delays it caused in airports around Europe has infected the local populace and tourists throughout with a plague. World Health Organization (WHO) representatives from London’s Heathrow Airport, Paris’s Charles de Gaulle Airport and Germany’s Frankfurt International Airport have reported the symptoms of “Bitch and Moan about Flights” disease or “I’m an Important Bastard” plague found on many passengers who have faced delayed or canceled flights.

Yukio Hashigawa, a Japanese tourist who had recently contracted the disease and Paris Syndrome, complained about long queue lines to the toilets and uncomfortable, cramped heated conditions. “The artwork in the Louvre was already upsetting and these delays just made me very peeved.”

Homeless people at airport are also one of the core causes of the plague.

“It’s really bad,” screamed Juan Valle of Valencia, Spain into a microphone at Heathrow. “Not only I don’t have a flight back home, I have this uncontrollable rage to beat up an airline employee,” continued Mr. Valle as he sipped his beer at the bar.

“I have to go back to Jean Phillipe’s place again,” cried an airline stewardess from Lufthansa. “I have to now spend another one night stand with some weird smelling stranger in a foreign country that can’t even pronounce my name or give me that satisfying orgasm.”

The WHO has listed out symptoms of the plague and has posted health stations with help from airport officials throughout affected airports. If waiting passengers encounters nausea, mood swings that shift mainly towards anger, frustration, consistent crying, insomnia, vomiting, diarrhea, severe punching, severe screaming and nonsensical singing of Gilbert and Sullivan tunes to cheer up one’s own damage psyche, airport officials and WHO representatives asks that all passengers seek immediate medical attention or just drive, take the train or boat to your destination.

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‘Operation Snooki’ Proposed to Combat Fat European Tourists

One of these people can be a weapon of mass "non-erection"

WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced a new, misbirth strict airline security measure to ensure that fat European tourists will not ‘touch the sacred American soil with their bratwurst [any national food related item] smelling feet’. Although considered to be one of New York’s and Florida’s greatest source of income, practitioner the growing trend of economic stagnation caused by the European tourist forced Homeland Security to take action.

Napolitano also cited the 2005 French Humiliation Attack where a rich European began to openly criticize then-President George W. Bush and the taste of Starbucks coffee without even taking a sip. The International Community applauded the action of Jacques Rosseau Salibaire, help the terrorist. He was considered the most wanted man in America until he wound up in New Orleans during Katrina and was found dead in the French Quarter with a suicide note tied to his chest that said, “I am a bastard. I am sorry and I have a stool leg up my ass as I drown myself in this part of town with a ball gag in my mouth.”

The four-step plan mentioned during the meeting was as followed.

• VISA issued for these countries will continue as usual under scrutiny of the Patriot Act as with other immigration laws
• Cardboard cutouts, printed travel pamphlets and travel ads featuring Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi will be used to promote tourism in Europe
• De-educated Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi to not read country name in passports
• Give the position of the Immigration Officer to her and 20 Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi lookalikes where there will frustrate the tourists even more than usual
  

  The latest US defense against missiles and stray Taliban bullets

Advisor to the Secretary of Homeland Security William J. Marple mentioned that with this plan, it will make sure that the American economy will continue to stagnate. “Also,” continued Marple, “[this operation will] annoy any non-American with the ‘New Jerseyite’ folksy, guido charm as asking them to get [the fuck] out does not seem to penetrate their [numbskull, fucking] minds.”

The measure called ‘Operation Snooki’ will commence in airports everywhere on June 30th 2010 if passed by Congress. In other news, ‘Operation The Situation’ will place Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino in the middle of the Afghani desert where he will use his abs to reflect Taliban bullets that are aimed towards American and British troops. General McChrystal remarked that this plan would only be executed either on September 21st 2010 or when the makers of CytoSportâ„¢ Muscle Milk® decide to sponsor half of the war.

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Debauchery, Sin and Vomit: St. Mary Street, Cardiff, Wales

Balchïa chan 'r Cymraeg

In any city, web there is bound to be a spot where the local deviants gather to get hammered, medstore beat up each other and vomit in unison. In Great Britain, it is a common sight on a Friday, Saturday night or a night when there is football (soccer). But when I was perusing through the Internet today, Cardiff, Wales, drew my attention. I’m sure a picture tells a thousand words but these will tell the epic, Gilgamesh.

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The Onion: Prague’s Franz Kafka International Named Most Alienating Airport

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