HEADLINES
Egypt protest escalates to new heights as protesters demand Mubarak step down while wearing a beautiful satin prom dress. ¤ Roaming panda terrorizes community into mass cuddle of cuteness. ¤ Apple announces the creation of a new MacBook called "Pen and Notebook". ¤ Peruvian flute more annoying than bagpipes during funerals, study shown. ¤ P. Diddy announces that the "P" in his moniker is not "pimp" but "parent". ¤ Dreams are made from bovine spongiform, experts confirm. ¤ "Sometimes, dead men do sing better in a barber shop quartet," said Kanye West to a few angry white people. ¤ Santa to deliver gift to Morocco for the first time in 35 years after Elven Made Toys Embargo ended. ¤ San Diego Chargers win award for "Best Baseball Team in Their Heads". ¤ Michael Bay to create movie about rock climbing, explosions that will cause his imminent death. ¤ Bangladesh annual monsoon rains to electrocuted textile workers. ¤ While Tron smashes the holiday box office, Tron Guy's testicles smashes atoms.

The Things I Have Learned From Ben Beach

Posted: April 30th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: North American News | 2 Comments »

When I came to Hampshire, I learned many things. I have learned that everyone has a voice in America. I learned that gays exist. I learned that America’s form of democracy is a vague concept to my countrymen who have never felt the pleasures of slugging down an entire can of Samuel Adams (although I myself have never tried it). In fact, there are things I keep learning that further peak my interest in America. I now know that the state capital of Washington is Olympia and that California is less progressive that Iowa. I also now know that stuff here is cheap and that if I try and convert it into Malaysian ringgit, it would not make sense.

But there is just one thing I have learned in Hampshire and it is that I have met a few awesome people. There’s Paul, Frank, Nathan and Karl. And then, there is Benjamin Fucking Beach. To describe in words is just not enough as you have to see and hear to believe him. He is perhaps a character so verbose and opinionated that when he farts, it smells of two things: intelligence and marijuana. My American experience is boiled down to this person and Paul but, Ben Fucking Beach perhaps just dwells deeper in the muck rut that I call Hampshire. Here is a list of things I have learned from him.

  • America is a whore and it will fuck with anyone.
  • He will make you his bitch.
  • He will fuck yo’ couch.
  • He wants to change his name to Benjamin Blair cause it is “an awesome fucking name”.
  • If you are keeping quiet, he will say, “Wanna talk about it, bitch?” whilst his right brow move into inquisitive mode and his face turns at your direction dramatically
  • Humboldt County is a place that grows the second best weed in America
  • He will push you into playing Super Smash Bros. even though you refuse it the umpteenth time
  • Has an opinion about feminist and it relates with my theory of bullshitism and fuckallogy
  • Says ‘fuck’ on every other sentence
  • Starts his sentence with ‘fuck’
  • Ends his sentence with ‘fuck’
  • Has an entire dialogue that consists of the word ‘fuck’
  • Opinion on capitalist: “Fucktards”
  • Opinion on socialist: “Motherfuckers”
  • Opinion on rastafarians: “Pass me that fuck”
  • Will be going to North Korea to, as our friends say, “do priestly things with children”
  • Qualified goatfucker
  • Laughs whenever I say, “I have a triple platinum card with NAMBLA.”
  • MoHo = MoeHoes
  • Sublime to him is not a Christian rock band
  • Can finish two bottles of wine in a day
  • Swears combined to make super-swears… e.g. Douchefuck

2 Comments on “The Things I Have Learned From Ben Beach”

  1. 1 Ben-Fucking-Beach said at 7:28 pm on May 1st, 2009:

    “A character so verbose and opinionated that when he farts, it smells of two things: intelligence and marijuana.”

    Damn-fucking-right. Of course the intelligence bit is just a ruse; he who passes off disdain with conviction comes off as having some modicum of smarts–but it’s all bullshit.

    Maybe the marijuana is a bit of a ruse too–compared to the actual “Hampshire student” “concentrating” in “Argentinian queer, transgendered youth immigrant relations with oppressive, gendernormative Micronesian patriarchal society,” I am completely straight-edge. XD.

    Conversely, this blog is the legit shit. The absolute-motherfucking-shit. I love Norman.

  2. 2 Ruse said at 12:36 am on May 2nd, 2009:

    Ben floated this my way… I’m his friend in California (and am headed to NH soon).
    I must say…
    1) If that’s all you’ve learned from him he’s moving pretty slowly.
    2) You have his eyebrow quirk down to a tee.
    3) …. I’mma kick his ass, and it’s your fault. =)


Leave a Reply