HEADLINES
Egypt protest escalates to new heights as protesters demand Mubarak step down while wearing a beautiful satin prom dress. ¤ Roaming panda terrorizes community into mass cuddle of cuteness. ¤ Apple announces the creation of a new MacBook called "Pen and Notebook". ¤ Peruvian flute more annoying than bagpipes during funerals, study shown. ¤ P. Diddy announces that the "P" in his moniker is not "pimp" but "parent". ¤ Dreams are made from bovine spongiform, experts confirm. ¤ "Sometimes, dead men do sing better in a barber shop quartet," said Kanye West to a few angry white people. ¤ Santa to deliver gift to Morocco for the first time in 35 years after Elven Made Toys Embargo ended. ¤ San Diego Chargers win award for "Best Baseball Team in Their Heads". ¤ Michael Bay to create movie about rock climbing, explosions that will cause his imminent death. ¤ Bangladesh annual monsoon rains to electrocuted textile workers. ¤ While Tron smashes the holiday box office, Tron Guy's testicles smashes atoms.

Biden Makes No Gaffe for a Day, Black Hole in Time Continium Formed

Posted: May 15th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: North American News | No Comments »

Washington, this DC – Vice President Joseph Biden spoke at a press conference, making it the first ever gaffe-free event in his entire history. Biden is known for his gaffes which cause journalists everywhere to scrutinize and lampoon the very words spewing from his flapping mouth. Today, the Vice President, gripping the podium tightly with his palms, spoke to the press in a calm and assertive tone, without sounding like a turkey drowning in the rain.

"As you can see, I have stopped making gaffes so, stop worrying about me."

"As you can see, I have stopped making gaffes so, stop worrying about me."

Questions of the current economy crisis died down as the press began asking him why was he answering their questions without making a mistake. The inquisition only drew subdued answer from Biden with such replies as, “Please, can we get back to the issue at hand?” and “Yes, Obama is going to slap my face if I make one more mistake.” When asked about his sudden monotonous voice during the conference, Biden implicated that he was also forced to watch the “Bueller’s Day Off” scene where Ben Stein’s character said the name “Bueller” over and over again. Reporters also witnessed that whenever Biden attempted to move himself away from the issue, the Vice President began to shake violently, tilting and leaning on his head.

It was at this time that behind Biden formed a large black hole, sucking him and a chair into the swirling vortex of doom. One reporter exclaimed, “Holy shit, there’s a fucking black hole swallowing the Vice President!” However, the Vice President calmed down the audience, explaining that there is nothing to worry about as the black hole is harmless and it just needs to put the Vice President himself back into the normal time continium. Biden also added, “[Dick] Cheney told me about it.”

This is not the first time a Vice President summoned a black hole. Vice President Dan Quayle in 1992 summoned one where he actually spelled “potato” correctly while Al Gore created his by going through an entire day without being an environmental douchebag and claiming that he created the Internet. Perhaps the largest blackhole created was by the former Vice President Dick Cheney where a bullet shot from his gun that was aimed at a quail went into a blackhole and came out shooting his best friend in the head.

Other occurences of the blackhole was brought up in such cases as the OJ Simpson cases where OJ claimed a blackhole was formed under his knife while he was stabbing his hard cheese that landed on his ex-wife Nicole Simpson Brown’s body. OJ was acquitted with the argument.


The Things I Have Learned From Ben Beach

Posted: April 30th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: North American News | 2 Comments »

When I came to Hampshire, cialis sale I learned many things. I have learned that everyone has a voice in America. I learned that gays exist. I learned that America’s form of democracy is a vague concept to my countrymen who have never felt the pleasures of slugging down an entire can of Samuel Adams (although I myself have never tried it). In fact, there are things I keep learning that further peak my interest in America. I now know that the state capital of Washington is Olympia and that California is less progressive that Iowa. I also now know that stuff here is cheap and that if I try and convert it into Malaysian ringgit, it would not make sense.

But there is just one thing I have learned in Hampshire and it is that I have met a few awesome people. There’s Paul, Frank, Nathan and Karl. And then, there is Benjamin Fucking Beach. To describe in words is just not enough as you have to see and hear to believe him. He is perhaps a character so verbose and opinionated that when he farts, it smells of two things: intelligence and marijuana. My American experience is boiled down to this person and Paul but, Ben Fucking Beach perhaps just dwells deeper in the muck rut that I call Hampshire. Here is a list of things I have learned from him.

  • America is a whore and it will fuck with anyone.
  • He will make you his bitch.
  • He will fuck yo’ couch.
  • He wants to change his name to Benjamin Blair cause it is “an awesome fucking name”.
  • If you are keeping quiet, he will say, “Wanna talk about it, bitch?” whilst his right brow move into inquisitive mode and his face turns at your direction dramatically
  • Humboldt County is a place that grows the second best weed in America
  • He will push you into playing Super Smash Bros. even though you refuse it the umpteenth time
  • Has an opinion about feminist and it relates with my theory of bullshitism and fuckallogy
  • Says ‘fuck’ on every other sentence
  • Starts his sentence with ‘fuck’
  • Ends his sentence with ‘fuck’
  • Has an entire dialogue that consists of the word ‘fuck’
  • Opinion on capitalist: “Fucktards”
  • Opinion on socialist: “Motherfuckers”
  • Opinion on rastafarians: “Pass me that fuck”
  • Will be going to North Korea to, as our friends say, “do priestly things with children”
  • Qualified goatfucker
  • Laughs whenever I say, “I have a triple platinum card with NAMBLA.”
  • MoHo = MoeHoes
  • Sublime to him is not a Christian rock band
  • Can finish two bottles of wine in a day
  • Swears combined to make super-swears… e.g. Douchefuck

Star Trek as The A-Team

Posted: April 5th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »


Blame Society: John Madden Dungeon Master

Posted: March 29th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: North American News | No Comments »


Family Flix – Rocket Dog

Posted: March 28th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Media and T.V., North American News | No Comments »


Deathfest Spring March 7th 2009 – I Have Cat Cancer and I Somehow Bleed from my Eyes

Posted: March 8th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: North American News | No Comments »

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE... aka prepare to die... Thanks to Andy Bernquist for the picture
ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE… aka prepare to die… Thanks to Andy Berquist for the picture

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And It Happened Live

Posted: February 28th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: North American News | No Comments »

Yes who put it on there? I want to congratulate that person.


The Onion: Are Video Games Preparing Kids for Post-Apocalyptic Future?

Posted: February 26th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: North American News | No Comments »

Panelists debate whether games like Fallout 3 and Gears Of War 2 are teaching children skills they’ll really need in the End Times.

Well, weight loss I have learned from such games that there caves with children inside them and with a “wazer wifle”, they really hurt. I have also learned that everybody has some form of weaponry on the wastelands.