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The Things I Have Learned From Frank Sacramone

Posted: April 30th, 2009 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »

I have learned a lot about America. I learned that America is number one and that monster trucks are the greatest invention next to the flushing toilet. In my American experience, ambulance steaks are infinitely bigger and that super-size is mandatory, clinic not an option. Everything is big from the land mass of Texas to the fat people at Mississippi. Things are awfully big in America. Back home, houses were small, quaint and dilapidated. Complain it to the person who owns the house and he will do as such. In America, if you tell someone that their house is shit, expect a shotgun aimed at your face and the words, “Get outta my property!” become a voice that you obey.

Although Ben Fucking Beach was  a character to behold, Frank Sacramone of Scotty and the Pornos is perhaps one of the most outstanding characters whose valor and dignity stands more upright than an erection of a flagpole. Practical and confident, these mere words could probably best describe him. Vertical in height, this person could almost always ring out a laugh into a situation. He brought the rock music in America to my ears, although I detest the “violent capitalist attitude to the demonic voices from predominantly rich kids who do this as a form of rebellion”.

Anyway, he has taught me very valuable things.

  • Mississippi is perhaps the worst state in the country next to Alabama
  • Connecticut is so cheap that Jews sweat beads of money to pay off their debts
  • Smith girls are hot
  • Porno bands exist to only make you horny and hot as hell
  • He has your nuts
  • You don’t want to be spar partners with Frank
  • Jigglypuff is NOT a fag character… (not after Jigglypuff kicked Captain Falcon’s ass)
  • Seth is a bitch
  • Creeper’s United is a valid student organization to provide eerie and creepy stalker looks while people work out.
  • “This is America! You don’t be speakin’ that funny talk cuz it ain’t America!” – Frank imitating an American hero (note that there is not a typo)
  • Everything in America from hybrid cars to the food at Hampshire’s Dining Commons runs on General Tsao’s
  • Everything goes well with General Tsao’s
  • “One day, Hoss will make a General Tsao, Oreo Stuf, bacon fat and mozzarella cheese pizza. Top that off with some barbecue sauce and high fructose syrup, Ben will die in a day with that and the Mountain Dew he drinks.” – Frank on dietary concerns of Ben Fucking Beach
  • This guy introduce me to “ABCDEath” and Psychostick and I love it
  • Knows how to make a nerd voice
  • Introduced me to Jamie who is perhaps the coolest person I have met in Frank’s band
  • Has rice pudding that reminds me of home

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