ARLINGTON, Texas – Team members from the New York Giants will be arriving here to be at the Super Bowl XLV. Although they lost to the Green Bay Packers on the December 26, they will be on the field, regardless of their situation.
Fans recall their win in 2008 and with the unwillingness to let go of their two continuous years of failing to even qualify for the Super Bowl, coach Tom Coughlin mentioned that his team will just left loose to run on the field to cause “infinite amount of field-based chaos”.
“I really don’t care if we didn’t make it,” said Coughlin. “I hold no grudge so, why not let the boys just go around and hit one of the other players from team douchebag [Steelers] and asshat [Packers].”
His strategy to let loose players on the field as a barricade of game progression has baffled top commentators. Some have even speculated that Eli Manning could be running down the goal line from the 50 yard line with an identical ball in the opposing direction of wherever the game action is going on. Even defensive backs Terrell Thomas and Corey Webster have been rumored to be sitting on the 25 yard line to just play Jenga while Steelers and Packers play on.
“We did not get there [the Super Bowl],” said offensive lineman Shawn Andrews. “But we’ll distract the game so hard and so much that people will think that we won with this immature play of ours.”
In other news, the Detroit Lions will also be at the Super Bowl as part of the Black-Eyed Peas Half-Time Show roadies.
LOS ANGELES, California – Charlie Sheen is at it yet again with news that he has been spotted consuming drugs with several prostitutes at a famous nightclub in Hollywood. With friends and family worried of his well-being, they have checked in 70-year-old veteran actor Martin Sheen into the Betty Ford Clinic once more, citing Charlie Sheen’s wild and destructive behavior as the reason for the admittance.
“He is doing fine,” reported Dr. Lawrence Perrel, a psychologist working with Mr. Sheen at the Betty Ford Clinic. “Martin is seeing the light that by creating Charlie Sheen, he had created the problem.”
This was not the first time Martin Sheen had checked himself into rehab. Back in 2006, Charlie Sheen had stated that the disaster during September 11 2001 was a creation of United States government. A concerned Martin Sheen immediately checked himself into rehab, again citing the reason of “the creation of the entity called ‘Charlie Sheen’.” Another such incident was in 2009 after Charlie Sheen assaulted his then-wife Brooke Mueller which saw Martin Sheen’s immediate check-in into rehab for the same reason.
“He does know when to stop,” commented Dr. Perrel. “However, with the influence around him, Charlie gets into the trouble Martin deserves and Martin has shown signs of remorse time and again. It’s the media scrutiny that makes Charlie Sheen not change and Martin Sheen go in and out of rehab.”
According to the doctors and nurses who are treating Martin Sheen, the program of rehabilitation that the actor will go through include “24 hours of quiet meditation and contemplation”, “14 hours of therapy”, “binge drinking seminars” and “a majestic walk up the San Gabriel Mountains to reflect on the creation of a person who needs to lay off drugs, alcohol and prostitutes”. In addition, Martin Sheen will undergo 12 hours of community service for the crimes Charlie Sheen had committed.
This is not the first time a family member enters a program for the problems caused by another family member. Earlier in 2010, Dina Lohan entered solitary confinement for the alleged drink-and-drive problems caused by her daughter Lindsay Lohan.
CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – Recently, a study at the Howard Kreissler Institute of Television Studies observed that a majority of people who watch RuPaul: Drag Race are most likely to switch off their television for the rest of their lives, often leaving subjects either exasperated or shocked by what they had just seen.
“Most of the respondents had very negative views of the show and the television in general,” said Dr. Ronald Bowen, head researcher of the study. “Respondents were viewed through a camera in the examination room and what came out after watching the RuPaul’s show was one of anger as many tried to burn the image of a bald man tucking his penis between his legs out of their heads.”
Of the eighty people subjected to the research, an overwhelming68% responded by switching off the television and then, throwing it off the research facility into the parking lot below. Surprisingly, a shocking 24% of respondents showed signs of arousal as the streaming of the show began.
“It’s strange sometimes,” added Bowen. “We were not expecting the results but when respondents came out the response chamber smelling of sweat, semen and shame, it intrigued us as to what extent that RuPaul can be used as a military application.”
PARIS, France – As snow blankets northwestern Europe, the massive delays it caused in airports around Europe has infected the local populace and tourists throughout with a plague. World Health Organization (WHO) representatives from London’s Heathrow Airport, Paris’s Charles de Gaulle Airport and Germany’s Frankfurt International Airport have reported the symptoms of “Bitch and Moan about Flights” disease or “I’m an Important Bastard” plague found on many passengers who have faced delayed or canceled flights.
Yukio Hashigawa, a Japanese tourist who had recently contracted the disease and Paris Syndrome, complained about long queue lines to the toilets and uncomfortable, cramped heated conditions. “The artwork in the Louvre was already upsetting and these delays just made me very peeved.”
Homeless people at airport are also one of the core causes of the plague.
“It’s really bad,” screamed Juan Valle of Valencia, Spain into a microphone at Heathrow. “Not only I don’t have a flight back home, I have this uncontrollable rage to beat up an airline employee,” continued Mr. Valle as he sipped his beer at the bar.
“I have to go back to Jean Phillipe’s place again,” cried an airline stewardess from Lufthansa. “I have to now spend another one night stand with some weird smelling stranger in a foreign country that can’t even pronounce my name or give me that satisfying orgasm.”
The WHO has listed out symptoms of the plague and has posted health stations with help from airport officials throughout affected airports. If waiting passengers encounters nausea, mood swings that shift mainly towards anger, frustration, consistent crying, insomnia, vomiting, diarrhea, severe punching, severe screaming and nonsensical singing of Gilbert and Sullivan tunes to cheer up one’s own damage psyche, airport officials and WHO representatives asks that all passengers seek immediate medical attention or just drive, take the train or boat to your destination.
PARIS, France – The Bibliothèque nationale de France, the national library of France found a tattered manuscript that belonged to Jules Verne. Titled, “Je peux voir de mes putains nègre organes génitaux” or “I Can See Negro Whores with My Genitalia”, this late Jules Verne work was found in the library amongst other hidden manuscripts of some of France’s greatest literary works from their greatest authors. The 230 page novel tells a tale of Jacques Rimbaud, a fictionalized version of Verne trying to solicit prostitutes in the middle of Industrial Revolution France. The cover of the manuscript was illustrated by Claude Monet and it was identified by an art curator at the Louvre as “Woman with a Parasol”.
The probable illustrated cover for Verne's novel, if published
“Typical of Verne to use analogies and euphemisms in his stories,” clarified French literature scholar Kim Rimbals. “The negro whore represents the downtrodden masses of France whilst the act of fellatio on the sixty-seventh page, mentioned here as the colloquial, ‘Je suis à bascule avec ma queue [I am rocking out with my cock out],’ represents the liberties that the French aspire to in their republic… not giving in to the demands of others as they [foreign powers] press further into their territories.”
The reason why the novel was not published in 1800s was also found in the manuscript in the form of the editor’s comment. The editor of Jepuin Publishing wrote that the book was ‘god awful’ and ‘the constant mention of the human genitalia and rape was… [indecent] although funny as the whore is black and a woman.” A descendant of the editor, Willem Monpierre, had given a public apology for his ancestor’s racist and sexist comment. This also explains the appearance of Monet’s piece as an artwork due to the lack of commission received from Verne’s end.
Although criticism from the French literary circles are overwhelmingly negative, publishers and readers of Jules Verne are looking forward to this new work by the now-perverted French author. With euphemism-laden works such as “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea” and “Around the World in 80 Days”, currently adapted into a teen sex movie starring Seann William Scott, attracts more young readers and perverts, this manuscript would provide to the world a greater sense of morality that the French are an abominable sex creature.
One of these people can be a weapon of mass "non-erection"
WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced a new, strict airline security measure to ensure that fat European tourists will not ‘touch the sacred American soil with their bratwurst [any national food related item] smelling feet’. Although considered to be one of New York’s and Florida’s greatest source of income, the growing trend of economic stagnation caused by the European tourist forced Homeland Security to take action.
Napolitano also cited the 2005 French Humiliation Attack where a rich European began to openly criticize then-President George W. Bush and the taste of Starbucks coffee without even taking a sip. The International Community applauded the action of Jacques Rosseau Salibaire, the terrorist. He was considered the most wanted man in America until he wound up in New Orleans during Katrina and was found dead in the French Quarter with a suicide note tied to his chest that said, “I am a bastard. I am sorry and I have a stool leg up my ass as I drown myself in this part of town with a ball gag in my mouth.”
The four-step plan mentioned during the meeting was as followed.
VISA issued for these countries will continue as usual under scrutiny of the Patriot Act as with other immigration laws
Cardboard cutouts, printed travel pamphlets and travel ads featuring Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi will be used to promote tourism in Europe
De-educated Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi to not read country name in passports
Give the position of the Immigration Officer to her and 20 Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi lookalikes where there will frustrate the tourists even more than usual
The latest US defense against missiles and stray Taliban bullets
Advisor to the Secretary of Homeland Security William J. Marple mentioned that with this plan, it will make sure that the American economy will continue to stagnate. “Also,” continued Marple, “[this operation will] annoy any non-American with the ‘New Jerseyite’ folksy, guido charm as asking them to get [the fuck] out does not seem to penetrate their [numbskull, fucking] minds.”
The measure called ‘Operation Snooki’ will commence in airports everywhere on June 30th 2010 if passed by Congress. In other news, ‘Operation The Situation’ will place Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino in the middle of the Afghani desert where he will use his abs to reflect Taliban bullets that are aimed towards American and British troops. General McChrystal remarked that this plan would only be executed either on September 21st 2010 or when the makers of CytoSport™ Muscle Milk® decide to sponsor half of the war.
SPRINGFIELD, Mass. – A state judge passed a verdict of 8 to 1 in the most controversial case in Massachusetts state judicial history. Judge Raymond Ortiz sentenced Mr. Figgles, a Yorkshire Terrier to death for assault and creating an non-conducive environment in a long two year case.
On the night of 12th December 2007, Igorr Lepschemsky entered the home of Janice Wembl in an attempt to burglarize the property. Walking down the creaky hallway, Lepschemsky was discovered by Mr. Figgles, an adorable and loud 2 year old Yorkshire terrier. By instinct, Mr. Figgles barked at the 32-year-old crack addict and college dropout. Stirred by the noise of the dog, Wembl and her then-boyfriend, WIll Ambertone raced downstairs to find Mr. Figgles biting Lepschemsky’s right leg whilst growling.
Perturbed by the disturbance, neighbor Daniel Lowe notified law enforcement and the local pound to visit the Wembl household. Officers arrived at the residence to find Lepschemsky pinned down by Ambertone’s massive muscle building calves and Mr. Figgles biting and growling the robber’s leg. Officers removed Lepschemsky from the residence and the pound held back the vicious and fluffy dog.
“This is a win for America,” said defense attorney Jeffrey Zumberg. “My clients [Lepschemsky and Lowe] were not happy with the law that governs us and that their victory ensures that liberty and the American justice system is prevailed is a fair deal for me. The fact that you can sue an owner for half a million for leg damages and execute a dog in a non-capital punishment state like Massachusetts shows the lines where we draw.”
This was not the first trial to actually cause the death penalty to be thrown at an individual in Massachusetts. The Salem Witch Trials were examples of town sluts accused of witchcraft. Historian Annard Gelart cited, “Best day for stupid sluts who won’t show men their South Carolina.”
TOKYO, Japan – As Yukio Hatoyama ascends from the position of the leader of the Democratic Party of Japan (DPJ) to Prime Minister, his insane wife is also ascending the ladder from UFO abductee to First Lady. While most of the Western world feign away from the daily routines of a First Lady, only Miyuki Hatoyama and Michelle Obama have come to a status of fame due to either their husband’s message of change or their quotes that borders mild schizophrenia.
“We pay attention to her style,” says Hashida Koyomi of Osaka. “She’s insane and we love it.”
The eyes of a crazy lady
In Tokyo, Masaru Junichi mentions, “Although Haruhi [and Konata] is my wife, I would definitely bone an insane crazy lady like Miyuki-chan.”
A frequent visitor to Japanese talk shows, the First Lady had dabbled into topics such as religion, politics and food. The First Lady also had some experience with the performing arts as she was once a performer for the Takarazuka Revue, qualifying her to jump on couches.
Whatever it is, the Japanese are at awe with their new First Lady who wear shirts made out of coffee sacks and believes in the same DC-10 ships bearing souls with Tom Cruise. For the next one year, it will be interesting to see how the nation of Japan fluctuates with a new Prime Minister and his batshit insane wife as First Lady.
TAIPEI, Taiwan – In a recent charity concert for the benefit of the recently displaced victims of Typhoon Morakot, Taiwanese-born American director Ang Lee denounced Taiwan President Ma Ying-jeou for not stepping up to the plate. After taking responsiblity for the slow response, the 54-year-old director launched a furious tirade against the leader that went off prompter. His onstage partner and fellow director, Tsai Ming-liang, a Malaysian-born Taiwanese looked at Lee with horror.
An artist rendition of Ang Lee in a state of non-douchebaggery
The following is a transcript of the event.
“I hate the way they portray us in the media. If you see an Asian family it says they are farming for rice. If you see a tourist (white people), it says they are looking for a way out in a major disaster.”
[Tsai, visibly uncomfortable, reads from prompter script. Camera cuts back to Lee, who pauses, then says]
“Ma Ying-jeou doesn’t care about Asian people!”
CTV, the broadcaster of the gala charity event, issued a statement that the views expressed were not of the network and were solely Lee’s opinion.
Meanwhile, halfway around the world, the competition to determine whether Kanye West has vocal abilities that can rival of opera singers has come to an end when a 400 pound tenor accidentally sat on West’s Auto-tune device. No injuries were reported except for Kanye’s pride.
Fans recall their win in 2008 and with the unwillingness to let go of their two continuous years of failing to even qualify for the Super Bowl, coach Tom Coughlin mentioned that his team will just left loose to run on the field to cause “infinite amount of field-based chaos”.
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