One of these people can be a weapon of mass "non-erection"
WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced a new, strict airline security measure to ensure that fat European tourists will not ‘touch the sacred American soil with their bratwurst [any national food related item] smelling feet’. Although considered to be one of New York’s and Florida’s greatest source of income, the growing trend of economic stagnation caused by the European tourist forced Homeland Security to take action.
Napolitano also cited the 2005 French Humiliation Attack where a rich European began to openly criticize then-President George W. Bush and the taste of Starbucks coffee without even taking a sip. The International Community applauded the action of Jacques Rosseau Salibaire, the terrorist. He was considered the most wanted man in America until he wound up in New Orleans during Katrina and was found dead in the French Quarter with a suicide note tied to his chest that said, “I am a bastard. I am sorry and I have a stool leg up my ass as I drown myself in this part of town with a ball gag in my mouth.”
The four-step plan mentioned during the meeting was as followed.
VISA issued for these countries will continue as usual under scrutiny of the Patriot Act as with other immigration laws
Cardboard cutouts, printed travel pamphlets and travel ads featuring Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi will be used to promote tourism in Europe
De-educated Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi to not read country name in passports
Give the position of the Immigration Officer to her and 20 Nicole “Snooki” Polozzi lookalikes where there will frustrate the tourists even more than usual
The latest US defense against missiles and stray Taliban bullets
Advisor to the Secretary of Homeland Security William J. Marple mentioned that with this plan, it will make sure that the American economy will continue to stagnate. “Also,” continued Marple, “[this operation will] annoy any non-American with the ‘New Jerseyite’ folksy, guido charm as asking them to get [the fuck] out does not seem to penetrate their [numbskull, fucking] minds.”
The measure called ‘Operation Snooki’ will commence in airports everywhere on June 30th 2010 if passed by Congress. In other news, ‘Operation The Situation’ will place Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino in the middle of the Afghani desert where he will use his abs to reflect Taliban bullets that are aimed towards American and British troops. General McChrystal remarked that this plan would only be executed either on September 21st 2010 or when the makers of CytoSport™ Muscle Milk® decide to sponsor half of the war.
SPRINGFIELD, Mass. – A state judge passed a verdict of 8 to 1 in the most controversial case in Massachusetts state judicial history. Judge Raymond Ortiz sentenced Mr. Figgles, a Yorkshire Terrier to death for assault and creating an non-conducive environment in a long two year case.
On the night of 12th December 2007, Igorr Lepschemsky entered the home of Janice Wembl in an attempt to burglarize the property. Walking down the creaky hallway, Lepschemsky was discovered by Mr. Figgles, an adorable and loud 2 year old Yorkshire terrier. By instinct, Mr. Figgles barked at the 32-year-old crack addict and college dropout. Stirred by the noise of the dog, Wembl and her then-boyfriend, WIll Ambertone raced downstairs to find Mr. Figgles biting Lepschemsky’s right leg whilst growling.
Perturbed by the disturbance, neighbor Daniel Lowe notified law enforcement and the local pound to visit the Wembl household. Officers arrived at the residence to find Lepschemsky pinned down by Ambertone’s massive muscle building calves and Mr. Figgles biting and growling the robber’s leg. Officers removed Lepschemsky from the residence and the pound held back the vicious and fluffy dog.
“This is a win for America,” said defense attorney Jeffrey Zumberg. “My clients [Lepschemsky and Lowe] were not happy with the law that governs us and that their victory ensures that liberty and the American justice system is prevailed is a fair deal for me. The fact that you can sue an owner for half a million for leg damages and execute a dog in a non-capital punishment state like Massachusetts shows the lines where we draw.”
This was not the first trial to actually cause the death penalty to be thrown at an individual in Massachusetts. The Salem Witch Trials were examples of town sluts accused of witchcraft. Historian Annard Gelart cited, “Best day for stupid sluts who won’t show men their South Carolina.”
TOKYO, Japan – As Yukio Hatoyama ascends from the position of the leader of the Democratic Party of Japan (DPJ) to Prime Minister, his insane wife is also ascending the ladder from UFO abductee to First Lady. While most of the Western world feign away from the daily routines of a First Lady, only Miyuki Hatoyama and Michelle Obama have come to a status of fame due to either their husband’s message of change or their quotes that borders mild schizophrenia.
“We pay attention to her style,” says Hashida Koyomi of Osaka. “She’s insane and we love it.”
The eyes of a crazy lady
In Tokyo, Masaru Junichi mentions, “Although Haruhi [and Konata] is my wife, I would definitely bone an insane crazy lady like Miyuki-chan.”
A frequent visitor to Japanese talk shows, the First Lady had dabbled into topics such as religion, politics and food. The First Lady also had some experience with the performing arts as she was once a performer for the Takarazuka Revue, qualifying her to jump on couches.
Whatever it is, the Japanese are at awe with their new First Lady who wear shirts made out of coffee sacks and believes in the same DC-10 ships bearing souls with Tom Cruise. For the next one year, it will be interesting to see how the nation of Japan fluctuates with a new Prime Minister and his batshit insane wife as First Lady.
TAIPEI, Taiwan – In a recent charity concert for the benefit of the recently displaced victims of Typhoon Morakot, Taiwanese-born American director Ang Lee denounced Taiwan President Ma Ying-jeou for not stepping up to the plate. After taking responsiblity for the slow response, the 54-year-old director launched a furious tirade against the leader that went off prompter. His onstage partner and fellow director, Tsai Ming-liang, a Malaysian-born Taiwanese looked at Lee with horror.
An artist rendition of Ang Lee in a state of non-douchebaggery
The following is a transcript of the event.
“I hate the way they portray us in the media. If you see an Asian family it says they are farming for rice. If you see a tourist (white people), it says they are looking for a way out in a major disaster.”
[Tsai, visibly uncomfortable, reads from prompter script. Camera cuts back to Lee, who pauses, then says]
“Ma Ying-jeou doesn’t care about Asian people!”
CTV, the broadcaster of the gala charity event, issued a statement that the views expressed were not of the network and were solely Lee’s opinion.
Meanwhile, halfway around the world, the competition to determine whether Kanye West has vocal abilities that can rival of opera singers has come to an end when a 400 pound tenor accidentally sat on West’s Auto-tune device. No injuries were reported except for Kanye’s pride.
TOKYO, Japan – Prime Minister of Japan, Taro Aso or passionately called Rozen Aso by the anime otaku demographic, apologized to the nation of Japan increasing his clumsy and moé-like value by 20%. Failing to secure the Japanese economy in a failing economic climate, frequent manga readers and anime viewers rate him as nearly attaining a godlike level of moé.
“Ineptitude and clumsiness is the key,” said Takeru Matsumoto of Akihibara, “Sure, he messed up the economy of Japan and made two major banks fail, driving our country into recession but, that is perhaps the most moé thing to do.”
Another Akiba-kei compared Rozen Aso to the tragic figures of Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush. “I was not around that time [during Carter’s administration] but Taro-chan sure sounds like the past American figures.” He continued by saying that Aso-kun’s major shift into moédom could be a ploy for the Liberal Democrats to win in the next general election. “Downplaying a moé quality is not strategic in this election… there’s 20 million normal people and there’s 50 million of us [Akiba-kei]… who’s vote do you want? Some normal person with a fix income or us who have a large collection of figures and a library of manga and doujin?”
Aso-jisan was elected as the fourth prime minister of Japan since the win by the LDP in 2005 and after the major attack by a gargantuan irradiated fish/lizard monster.
Editor’s Note: The views provided by Samuel Mason does not necessarily represent the view of Baka-TV and any sane man’s idea. The ideas expressed are merely fictitious and therefore, deemed reprehensible by nature.
Do you want to hear something great? Michael Jackson is dead. Do you want to hear something not great? Ticket sales from the July O2 concert in London are going to waste as he is now in no state to perform. No matter how saddened we are by his sudden passing, there are several ways to solve this. I have already sent my proposals written on my Hooters napkins to the O2 Board of Directors and although I am not allowed to disclose any information, I guess you should know these ideas will be rejected.
Idea #1: Transport Jackson’s body for Live 2-Year Funeral
This idea surrounded my premise that of the parallels of Michael Jackson and People’s Republic of China deceased leader Chairman Mao Zedong. Since Michael is already not man and all plastic, I say we place his body in the O2 Arena for public display that will rival the waxwork figure of him (or clone) at Madame Tussuad. The dynamics of this is that ticket owners can see him live on stage, dead as we blast songs that followed his notoriety as a performer, singer and acquitted child molester. The only problem is that due to the lack of freezing applications to freeze his body, his body might explode from the overheating due to the high voltage lights surrounding the stage.
Idea #2: Get This Michael Jackson Impersonator to Perform in Place of Michael
Screw Justin Timberlake! What we need is a good Michael Jackson impersonator to perform and everyone will be happy.
I am laughing, we are laughing, everyone will be laughing and then… SOCCER RIOTS!
Idea #3: String Him Up
A user from 4chan suggested this and I agree with him completely. What we should do is string up Michael’s body and make him perform truly one last time. We bury him for 3 months or so and then, after those months in the soil, we string him up on marionette strings. We fly his body out to London and then, with help from The Jim Henson Company, we make a puppet out of Michael and make him perform “Thriller”. We did it with our dead friend, Jimmy the Shoe Shiner and he did a fantastic version of Oliver Twist and Danny Boy. Although his eyes have fallen out, his singing voice was excellent thanks in part of Old Sailor Everett who has a crack and meth problem.
Well, whatever way it is, I think Michael was a great entertainer, even though we do not have a television or this new fangled Internet. I had to learn who he is because the editor is a fantastic person who is also generous and having this can of beans is all I have as property.
LOS ANGELES, California – Even in death, Michael Jackson’s legal trouble looms on but this time, it is about his children. The three-ring circus of Michael Jackson’s court case have caused a calamity within the family on who will inherit Michael’s wealth and most of all, take care of his three children: Prince Michael, Prince Michael II and Paris. Even though without a will, the Baudelaire children from the popular ‘Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events’ novel have begun a lawsuit against the pop star’s children, citing near similarities with their trials and tribulation in getting their large family wealth.
Representatives of Jackson’s children responded to the claim of the plot theft as “ludicrous and completely untrue” and that the children will “happily engage in this battle, even if it takes the Baudelaire children a million lawyers to settle this”.
The death of Michael Jackson have caused outpouring tribute to the Thriller star but most speculate that the children will be moving from foster home to foster home, taken care by some of their father’s weird relatives and ever weirder friends. Many speculate that irresponsible mother and overall spiteful bitch Debbie Rowe might be in the lead to take of the children. The Baudelaire sent this very example of parallels between Debbie Rowe and their first caretaker, a Count Olaf, who tragically died from what police called “an unfortunate fishing accident”.
Whether or not Debbie Rowe would have a large sharp instrument protruding through her abdomen will come true, this copyright case will be going on for quite a while.
"These are fires of happiness, not anger," said Ahmedinejad when asked about the fires springing up in the Iranian Presidential Protests
HARARE, Zimbabwe – President Robert Mugabe recently hailed the Iranian Presidential elections as “one small step in democracy, one giant leap to ensure everlasting power over the suffering peons of an embattled nation”. With victory claimed for incumbent Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, Mugabe also cites his own personal experience into the foray of elections, mentioning that by fixing results, you can rest assure to piss a ton of people off and quell them by using your corrupt, well-fed and paid military through brute force.
Facing a tough economic climate and a 30% unemployment rate, one of the highest in the world, Ahmedinejad was already poised to win by both supporters and opposition.
“The cynism is deep,” said an Ahmedinejad voter. “I mean, this is Iran. You are expected to vote for the greatest guy who looks as though he has a higher moral and religious authority. These Mousavi people are in denial and that is what they don’t see [electoral fraud brings the greater good for the nation],” added the voter as he continued to pummel a protestor with his pitchfork.
“I don’t get it,” said one Mousavi supporter. “Democracy in Iran means voting for the person who will most likely change the country but instead, we get the shitstained cloth and a latrine so filthy, even the Ayahtollah will not take a crap in it,” continued the supporter as he hurled a stone towards pro-Ahmedinejad armed militia.
With large margins of votes from larger cities such as Tehran and Tabriz, the capital of opposition reformist candidate Mir-Hossein Mousavi, going to Ahmedinejad, President Mugabe striked up a similarity with his as he managed to score the same results in his former opponent’s territory, current Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai. Mugabe also furthered assure his fellow Entirely Vile International Leaders (E.V.I.L.) brother that he can further aggravate the country by causing a death of someone special of his opponent, citing Mugabe’s own experience with Tsvangirai’s family.
Mugabe and Ahmedinejad giving a handshake of evil
Although protests have been going on in the major cities of Iran for the past few day, Mugabe ensured the President of Iran that his people are celebrating his victory by burning tires and getting lung cancer, citing that Zimbabweans had the same party with the chlorela infected water. After the meeting, the two leaders shared a bubblebath of evil and laughed menacingly down the dark corridor as they meet with their Russian counterpart, President Dmitri Medvedev at the Russian capital.
Baka-TV is proud to present a new thing we implemented to keep in touch with our readers: Baka-Twit. Yes, medicine we decide to use ADD-friendly Twitter to only keep news 140 characters or less. The account was free but the CEO gave us $7000 so, case we went out and bought a golden Blackberry that is not working. Hence, our announcement on the website.
I’m watching old Conan O’ Brien videos and I am a fan of Paul Rudd’s work. Now, what happens when these two are on the show together? You have Paul Rudd coming to the show, promoting a movie. Except, Rudd does not always does that. What Paul Rudd does is he shows a clip from “Mac and Me”, a parapeligic version of ET. And, it is always the clip of the kid in this wheelchair spiraling out of control from a cliff.
After this constant showing of this clip, Paul Rudd is officially funny and in my pantheon of Gods.